Because it’s important to understand and to remind myself, that I am not alone.

It’s so weird because I felt completely alone ten years ago, without a friend in the world. I was stuck in this idea that there was something wrong with me and then I saw a video the other day that basically said “Stop chasing the same guys as the cops,” and suddenly my whole life came into focus.

Most of my life was spent being surrounded by drug dealers – either by my mom’s boyfriend when I was a child, or the men I chose to spend my life with in later years. All of them were drug dealers, I didn’t intend to recreate the pattern, I certainly didn’t mean to end up hanging out with any of the same kids I knew in Calgary.

But it happened, and it tainted the way I see relationships. In my world, women are still clinging to the most powerful seeming man to survive, they are still stuck in this idea that having kids and getting married is going to elevate them to the status they deem desirable.

I am in a rare position in my community. None of the women needed to choose a man, the men they had they chose because they wanted them, not because they’d die without them. I’m one of those girls. I don’t need a man, but if I take a partner, it’ll be because I’m ready to work together with another person to have a good life, for both of us.

I’m not there yet, and I suspect that the reason that a great many women chose the bear, is because they aren’t either.

We’re entering this rather new phase of female identity, where women have the power to say no and they are exercising it. They are focusing their energies on building a life for themselves, by themselves, and I think it’s beautiful.

I am not going to lie, I always thought I’d get married and have kids, and that was the whole plan. It was all I ever wanted, but once I saw all the struggles that come with having a partner who thinks they are ready but really isn’t, it is fucking terrifying.

When you choose someone, the hope is that they choose you too. The problem is that as soon as you two choose each other, everything in the universe combines to drive you apart, and you gotta find a way to sink or swim together.

The major problem is that I haven’t found anyone I want to drown with.

I have amazing male friends. Don’t get me wrong, super kind, and they respect my boundaries in every possible way. However, that doesn’t necessarily translate to me wanting to share my life with them. I just want to be happy and I am content by myself.

I’m not asking for advice here, I am making a statement, my life is fucking perfect. I eat sugar when I want, I am mostly healthy except for my iron issues, and I am not beholden to anyone demanding more time than I am willing or able to give.

If I am to settle down with someone, they are going to have to add to my life, not take from it. And hopefully, if I do settle with someone, I do add to their lives instead of taking from it. I don’t need a protector, I don’t need a lover, I have friends, right now things are good. So don’t mess it up universe.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl