So I’m about 300 pounds. I blame the pandemic because before that I was about 250, I worked really hard to lose weight, and by “worked really hard” I mean it. I walked, drank water, ate healthier, and focused on cleansing my body inside and out.

But when I was a kid I took a medication called Dexidrin, it’s an appetite suppressant, but it’s also a behavior changer. I stopped eating on that medication, and so my body learned to go hours at a time without food while remaining hungry.

I learned over the years to hide my eating habits from the world, but now I realize that I can’t do that anymore.

Because of a skin infection, due to an abuser, I have a new medication and I have to completely change my diet to take it, and it’s proving harder than I thought.

At first, it was “Just don’t take the meds on an empty stomach or with milk,” well sure that’s fine, but my body isn’t used to eating healthy meals anymore, and certainly not first thing in the. morning when I have my milky coffee, so every day I have to pick a time and make sure I take my meds on a full stomach and it hurts.

Changing your diet is more mental than it is physical and fighting against your own mind is really difficult when it comes to food. Between the hunger and the nausea, it’s hard to find a moment when you can eat when you know you aren’t going to throw it up.

I am not let me stress this, bulimic, but even if I were, taking this new med, would still mean changing my diet.

It’s stressful trying to find ways to be healthy when you’ve been through something so traumatic because all you want to do is sleep it off. Your body mind and soul become so fucking tired, that not eating, sleeping all day, and just “Not fucking doing the thing,” is what helps you get through the day.

However because I am trying to change my diet so I can take this medication I am also finding that I am much more active than I ever have been before, which is amazing.

I’m even starting to think about going to the gym because most of my friends are going and I want to be able to keep up with them, I want to beat my old self-doubt and fear and shame into the ground so I can emerge more happy, healthy and strong than ever.

When you’re taking a new medication that forces you to alter big parts of your life, how do you handle it? What helps you navigate new medications? Leave me a comment below and let’s talk about it.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl