It’s my birthday.

I don’t know how to feel. I’ve been trying to write this post for days but today is the day I was born 41 years ago.

The most amazing thing isn’t that I am here, it’s not that I survived, it’s not even the shit that I went through, it’s that I have become this whollllle ass new person, that never existed before. I’m the first one to exist, as I am, in this form, and no one has ever done it before, except for me!

What the fuck?!

I’m so confused.

Okay let’s track this back.

As a child I was taught it would be my job to lead the next generation of humans, but instead of that happening I spent most of my childhood running from rapists and abusers, and hiding the secrets of what they were doing to me, inside my brain so tightly that I genuinely “forgot” it all happened!

Whew!

Now I’m here, after much running, hiding, and being terrified, move after move, never quite sure if I am going to have a roof over my head, nights of hearing gunshots in the streets, days of smiling and pretending my dumpster fire life was fine, and here I am.

I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for all the people who stuck by me, believed in me, and donated money so that I would have money, food, coffee, and weed every day of my houseless journey while we looked for a home.

I don’t know what majickal force in the universe decided that this is where I need to be, but I am grateful. They say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” but I feel a bit like I am one footstep from tipping over.

In 41 years I learned that there is evil in this world, and when you talk about that evil people are more concerned with their own comfort than your reality. I’ve also learned that there are people who will care, who will love you, and who will give up their whole lives to protect you when you need them the most.

This world is constantly at odds with itself, and somewhere buried deep under all the trauma, depression, and sadness, are the people like us, ordinary humans who don’t have superpowers, who don’t have majick in their bones, just trying to exist.

Most people aren’t trying to survive anymore, they are just trying to exist. From the time I was little I believed that LGBTQ2S+NB relationships were important, specifically because I was told they were ugly when ALL I could see was the beauty of people loving each other.

I learned to differentiate between what I want to see, and what I am told to see, and I’ve also learned the two are rarely the same.

I’ve learned so much from the people who hate me. They don’t hate me because I’ve done anything wrong, they hate me because I reacted to what they did to me, and they didn’t think I’d respond the way I did.

Never underestimate your victims, they will haunt you forever. I am proof of that, and I intend to be proof of that for a very long time to come.

I want my name in lights, I want to see the world bow to my voice, I want to see mental health patients rise up and share their own stories en masse, I want to see mental health professionals receive training from actual patients who know what they are talking about.

And I intend to make that dream a reality.

Are you going to join me?

Happy birthday little Devon, you’ve earned this one

Sending all my love,

Moi