Okay, so this is weird.

I actually do remember my why. I wanted to live. I wanted to outlive the rapists, pedophiles, and cult leaders, who said that my life was unworthy of being lived because, and only because, of the color of my skin.

For years I equated my skin color with abuse, because everyone around me who was male, had a hard time keeping their body parts to themselves.

I thought it was me, but I realized that being abused, was never my purpose.

Today I was walking in the woods while trying to write something to say to you. I don’t want to brag when the world is in such turmoil, but I’m happy for the first time in my life. I made it out. I got away from my abusers and they can never hurt me again.

I never thought that would happen. I thought I’d be a murdered and missing girl, for the rest of my existence. I thought the world hated me that much, but it turns out that only a small section of the world hates me, and they aren’t as powerful as they think.

There are people in this world who want women like me to be raped forever. They think that we deserve what was done to us, and they prey on women and children like us because it’s the only way they can exist for themselves.

Hurting others is the only thing they know.

But I am breaking the cycle. I am not marrying an abusive man because I have no other choice. I am not having children just so I have a paycheck coming through the door every month like some girls I know.

I am breaking the fucking cycle of generational trauma by having the freedom to live the life that I want to live. Instead of listening to society who says I must provide the world with children so that the next generation has a fucking work force, I am living my best life.

Instead of being raped by a man every day so that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, my mom and I are making it work on our own, and we’re finding our own way.

I am my own person.

No one is allowed to touch me in any way that is physical, emotional, sexual, or metaphysical, without my permission, because I claim my body and my body claims me, so mote it be.

I am free of the men who told me that my life doesn’t matter, and you can say it’s God or the Goddess of the world or the universe itself literally moving so that I can find happiness, but I am here.

I realized this week I haven’t had a drink since last October, and I feel really fucking good about that.

I’ve thought about drinking, I even have alcohol in my fridge and freezer but it’s months old. We barely touch it, and the only time I notice it is when I go to the freezer to grab food.

My life and my lifestyle has completely changed. It’s still not where I need to be, but it’s the perfect place for me to remember that when I started this it was all about me, but now it’s time to set goals that are about building community around speaking up for patients rights.

I’m really excited about the future and it’s all thanks to you.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl