They can look like anyone in the world. They can start off being the kindest, sweetest, most open, and wonderful people in the world. And then…on a dime, they switch, and everything and anything is your fault and they are completely innocent.
Everything has a reason or an excuse, everyone is at fault but them and no one has any hurt feelings except for the narcissist, it’s exhausting. Emotionally and mentally it’s completely exhausting.
They gaslight you into believing that you’re the problem, and when you realize that you’re being gaslit and that it won’t work on you, you the individual, are left feeling deflated.
Here you are thinking you’ve made a new friend, and it turns out, it’s not the kind of friend you need in this part of your journey, so you have to cut ties.
That’s what I am going through this week, and it’s really sad. I like this person, I want good things for them, but their behavior is indicative of past relationships that I have had, that I am still trying to break free from.
It’s really disheartening to find yourself in a place of healing, only to realize the same kind of people you escaped from – yes I said escaped – are still going to be a part of your journey as you carry on. What changes though, is how you deal with them.
What changes, is how you react to their behavior. If you can keep your cool, if you can react differently than you did in the past, then you are proving to yourself and others, that you are capable of growth.
That’s what I am working on today. Today I sent a friend a text to say I didn’t appreciate how they were speaking behind the back of another friend. It didn’t go over well, but at least I set my boundaries in a clear, provable way, that didn’t add fuel to the fire.
I am not interested in living a life filled with more trauma and drama, but I am interested in living a life where I set clear boundaries about the behavior I am willing to stay around so that no one can ever say “Why didn’t she say anything?”
I am trying my best to move forward, which means changing the way I see the world, There is so little time, and it’s such precious time, that I don’t want to waste it being angry, but I also won’t be taken advantage of.
Knowing that I am now capable of realizing when I am being gaslit, in the moment, instead of years later, is a new superpower unlocked, that I didn’t know folks were capable of having.
For years I was wandering around the world in a daze, not sure where to go, who I was, or what I was doing here, now I know, but I see these challenges to my intellect as petty and unworthy of my time.
I don’t struggle anymore with knowing what’s right and what’s wrong, I am not interested in having a huge massive group of friends when I can have a small select group of friends, that I can actually trust.
When you’ve been gaslit and abused for decades, anything after that is basically child’s play. While this person seems to think they are winning the battle, what they are really doing, is finding an entire community of people, willing, ready, and able, to stand up to their bullshit.
It’s a bit like watching a shark being outnumbered by fighter jets. You know what I mean? With that settled, I can move on knowing full well that I’ve done the best that I can do, to be honest about the situation. I apologized for not saying anything at the moment when I was hearing things I didn’t fully agree with, but I had two problems:
- I was high, so I tend to disassociate when I hear shit I’m not really interested in hearing.
- At the same time I was hearing the bullshit from 1 person’s side, I was outnumbered by not hearing the other side of the story.
Now that I’ve heard both sides of the story, and focused on my own memories, I’ve been able to discern what was true, from what was offensive.
When I spoke to Nada Chehade about this situation, she said “Build a wall, keep it sky high, and protect yourself.”
That’s how you protect yourself from people who will gaslight you, because if they’re willing to do it once, they’ll do it twice, and three times. The problem that this person has, is this isn’t the first time they’ve behaved this way.
It isn’t the first time they’ve stepped out of turn, and been in the position of causing great harm to a great many people, for the sake of their own ego, so it’s a proven, and provable pattern.
Knowing that it’s a pattern is a part of the package when it comes to recognizing people who will abuse your boundaries, for their own egotistical needs. It’s the old saying “She’ll set me on fire, to keep herself warm.”
Except I’m made of fire, so that doesn’t work.
I feel like I’m bragging here, but the truth is that it feels good to recognize the signs in time to protect myself, and those I care about.
I got this. So do you. Any questions? Let me know in the comments below and let’s talk about it
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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If you’d like to read more of Devon’s work, check them out in the following publications.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 