Loud Mouth Brown Girl

What would God Say?

I don’t think, and I haven’t for a while now, that God is as all-powerful as people believe. And if God were all-powerful, then I’d seriously have to question God’s politics, because I don’t see the fair and just world that I was brought up to believe in.

I see trauma, depression, fear, anxiety, and woe-driving forces destroying everything in their path, which just happens to be on the same path that many of the people I love and care about are in.

I believe that God – in the very essence of everything God stands for – is an idea, more than an identity to any one person. After much research on the topic and personal experience, I’ve come to realize there is no such creature known solely as God because God is a job, not a fucking person.

I know I was raised in the church to believe that God is one specific and special person who is in charge of everything, but I just can’t with my very being, believe that to be true.

You cannot tell me that God is a personal experience, and then tell me that my relationship with God is controllable by you, someone who is not me.

YOU have only the power I give you when it comes to controlling me, and as a child, I didn’t know that because I was small and mostly useless except to my abusers, but as an adult, I am a fully-fledged adult human being with the agency over my body and mind and when I say “no” I don’t fucking mean “yes” I fucking mean No!

No in of itself is a full sentence, so no I will not believe that God is here to destroy some people’s lives and punish them for not being born into white, wealthy families. I will not believe the twisted lie that is Christianity because your faith makes you comfortable while destroying the lives of all those I love.

When I was a child and I said “No” men would tell me in return that “God wants this,” they were lying then, but I couldn’t see them because God was so much bigger than me, bigger than us, bigger than anything I could consume at the time.

As an adult, I realize that God is a weapon used against anyone and anything, that doesn’t fit the social norm. It has always been this way, but it is not supposed to be.

God is supposed to bring a sense of peace to folks, the idea of God is supposed to lift folks up, not tear them apart, and yet the same people preaching about God are the same people confusing the fuck out of folks with their toxic and often evil behavior.

“God said I can do this,” and “The Devil made me do it,” are the same fucking excuses, and both of them are bullshit.

God shouldn’t be something that terrifies folks into behaving the way you want them to behave. God should be something that embraces all kinds of different varieties of people.

I will never forget a white man telling me over Medium that he objected to the idea of being called “People,” but he didn’t oppose the idea of being called “White”, and that was the moment that I realized that to white people, their connection to whiteness doesn’t bother them any more than their desire to turn God into a weapon.

People who use God as a weapon, care more about their power, than they do about whether or not they are safe, happy, and comfortable. They always have and they always will.

What I am asking YOU to do, is to create a relationship with God, that has nothing, to do with anyone else.

I want to see a world where you, me, and God can sit down and have a conversation that is genuine and honest to who we are, not who the world wants us to be.

I won’t and never have believed that God is for everyone, because God – even the very identity of God – can be a massive trigger for some folks. The idea of forgiving “God” is too intertwined with the idea of forgiving the same people who use God as a weapon.

It took me a long time to separate God, from the people who claimed to speak FOR God, but who never in their lives have sat down and spoken WITH God.

To speak WITH God is to listen to the signs and the signals that seem imperceptible to everyone else.

I remember walking down the street one night, I was on the way to face my abusers en masse. I was alone, but there were many of them. I saw a man wearing a shirt that said “It was just a dream,” I laughed so hard when I saw that because I knew with my core, that I had seen this same man and his stupid t-shirt in a dream.

I also knew that wasn’t going to stop me from facing my abusers. You can say it was a sign from God, or it was just a coincidence, but either way, it was a powerful moment in my life. One I will never forget.

I know that my relationship with God has been complicated, but when I look back at my life, all the times I spent hating God, were precisely spent hating God because other people used God as a weapon to hurt me in ways that left scars I will never fully be able to explain.

When I look at my relationship with God now, I find it hilarious that I see God more as a woman today than I ever have before. Instead of making me hate God, the idea of God has shifted to this idea that allows me to accept, and embrace my feminine side, without feeling guilty because I am “Supposed to be,” an a-sexual non-binary person.

I love my body and my mind and my soul, PRECISELY because I believe in God, but no amount of conditioning will ever allow me to believe in the God that my abusers tried to convince me exists for them. That God and I have nothing in common and no need to speak.

My Goddess and I speak all the time and while we may not always agree, I know she always has my back.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl

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