When I had this photo taken I was in Surrey BC petting a random dog. The memories of trauma and early childhood sexual abuse had just started to surface, and although I look beautiful, mentally and emotionally, even spiritually, I was a complete and total mess.
This day in particular was the first day of my life where I stopped to pause so I could realize and accept that I had survived all of the terrible, awful, and evil things that I had survived. This photo was taken specifically so that if the men who raped me ever came back, my mother would have a good photo of me to show at the funeral. I am not kidding, and I am not exaggerating. I honestly thought that day “if I die, mom will have a pretty photo.”
Almost every word that I wrote in the year of 2019 was about saying what I had to say, so that if I died, people would know that the reason I was dead was because the men who raped me, returned to finish the job. I was not in a healthy place.
At the time I figured if I could get my story out to as many people as possible, then someone might decide to fight for me if I was murdered. This is a fear that I live with every day, because I have absolutely no reason to believe that after twenty-five years, the men who raped me, aren’t interested in still causing me harm.
I believe these fears because they sexually abused me for twenty-two years before I started speaking out, and it took twenty-four years for me to fully divest myself of all the memories of trauma and abuse.
Over the last four years Loud Mouth Brown Girl has been my online diary, but it’s also a legacy project, so that one day when my own children scream “you just don’t understand mom!” I can point to something that says, “yes honey, in fact I do understand. I get it, and I am sorry you do too.”
It is my digital portfolio, that is helping me build a brand based on mental health, cannabis education, and trauma relief. These are topics that I understand, and that I am learning about every single day. That being said I also talk about politics, relationships, dating, and occasionally sex. If it is of interest to me personally you will find it here.
Through the creation of this website I have become an official Budsista with Afro Cannada Budsista’s, and these women have become an integral part of my mental health experience. Through them I am learning that I am not crazy or insane, and that I am not alone. I am learning about alternative medicine through these women, and the true meaning of self-love. Hint, self-love doesn’t always mean taking time to meditate or pray. Sometimes it means masturbating. Yes, I said that.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl has also inspired me to write a book, it’s called Uncomfortable, and it’s a list of life lessons that I have learned while living on this earth for thirty-seven years. Sure there are some stories about my experience and inspirations, but mostly it’s a list of things that I will or will absolutely never do again.
I also started a podcast called Comfortably Uncomfortable Conversations. The podcast is my way of connecting with other humans. I started it in the middle of 2020 when I realized that if I didn’t start doing something to get me facetime with other human beings, I was going to be in a very desperate and emotional place.
Starting the podcast was a byproduct of deciding that I wanted to invite my Twitter friends to have Zoom chats with me. It was my way of connecting with others while simultaniously having content that I could add to the website. I never realized how cool it would be to have these conversations or how many amazing friends I would make around the world.
I also started a clothing line, which I have now closed for the time being so that I have more time to focus on my writing.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl is a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me it is the anchor that keeps me going. I have this thing that I created, that no one else in the world can take credit for and it allows me to express myself freely and creatively in ways nothing in my life ever has before.
I also curate a corner of Medium where I talk about the same issues that I discuss here, this not only is helping me to build my audience, but gives me experience writing on a larger platform.
Through Loud Mouth Brown Girl I have learned about ITIN numbers, and tax laws, I have learned and am continuing to learn about owning and building my own business. I have connected with other organizations and groups of people who talk about Cannabis Education, and who are supporting Women of Color. I am learning to put myself out there, and I am even learning that people actually enjoy spending time around me.
This site has given me a sense of freedom, the kind of sense that I knew I needed but had no idea how to achieve. Through this blog I have become far more proactive about sharing my thoughts with the world. But I’ve also been made aware of the importance of my words and how I use them.
Writing this blog helped me rediscover my love of writing, the importance of the craft, and how much I very much want it to be my economical job one day.
I am far more confident, dedicated, and passionate about the working part of this craft, and that has translated to my three dimensional human life. Because of this blog I am more mentally healthy then I have ever been before.
I am Devon J Hall, British Columbia’s very own, world famous Loud Mouth Brown Girl.