Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I’ve been called a crazy bitch more than once in my life, and every time, it comes from one of two places:

1. My abuser(s)
2. The girlfriend, wife, or worse the “Wifey.”

I am tired of the narrative that women who come forward also deserve to be gaslit into thinking they are crazy and that what was done to them is somehow their fault.

Men constantly and CONSISTENTLY use the narrative that women are insane when the true insanity is letting grown men get away with abusing children not just once but for literal decades.

I can’t believe that in 2025 the stories I read about women being burned at the stake, are still happening in different ways.

Today women may not literally be burned at the stake, but when they come forward they often face death threats not only from their abusers, but also the supporters of their abusers.

It’s terrifying how many people out there are able to and absolutely perfectly fine supporting rapists and abusers purely because they would rather support them then be uncomfortable with the idea that their closest friends are abusers.

“Oh I didn’t know…” “He seemed so normal,” yeah they always fucking do. They look and act perfectly normal because they spend a lifetime practicing the art of being a normal well adjusted human…in public.

But eventually the narcissism is too difficult to hide, and their true colors start to show through the mask that has begun to fall apart. And this isn’t exclusive to just men, it’s also women who do this as well.

Women don’t make up horrific stories of abuse and trauma because we think it’s going to be fun showing off the scars were literal nails were hammered into our flesh.

We don’t make up stories of worrying that every man who owns a motorcycle might also be a rapist, or every counselor or bar tender.

I don’t go to bars anymore because I am afraid I might run into a man who abused me, simply because throughout my life there were so fucking many, that it’s a very real possibility.

I’ll never forget that 90’s film about a woman who gets raped on a run and then ends up almost marrying her rapist because he ends up stalking her and getting her into a relationship.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that many women who have been raped, worry that their next partner might also be that way.

It takes work on the part of the survivor, and her/his/their/ circle, to make sure the survivor stays safe. It takes a village to protect a survivor, and sometimes the village no matter how much it wants to, can’t or won’t live up to the task.

You as a survivor have to know what you need, but how the fuck can you when the truth is, that not one of us knows how to navigate life after rape, until we’ve been there. And after it’s over there’s no real guidebook, there’s just living one day at a time until it feels better.

And some days, it doesn’t hurt. I promise. Not every day is a bag of shit, some days are filled with the existence of your village, protecting and loving on you in all the ways you need to be loved.

Those are the days you have to cherish.

On the days when it is shit, reach out to your people, trust that they will be there for you, and if they can’t be there in the moment, know they’ll show up when they can.

I’ve learned not to put expectations on folks who can’t fulfill what “I” would do for them. And that’s filled my life with so much more ease than I knew I needed.

I know now what I am willing to accept. One doesn’t have to slay demons for me, but they sure as fuck have to be wanting to hold me when my battles are over.

I might need someone to help me bandage up my wounds, and if that’s too much to ask then be off with you.

I am not a crazy bitch. I know what happened to me, I know that my “Demons” are continuing to take advantage of my insecurities but I am learning – finally – to stand up for myself in some really healthy ways.

Every single day is a chance for me to let go some of the secrets that I am hiding, even from myself, and I think that’s why I haven’t been writing as much. I am too busy living my life, to write about it.

Which isn’t to say I am not making Tik Tok videos or posting on X, or Threads, it’s just I haven’t been writing articles as much.

And personally I consider that living my life, is a win against the patriarchy. I think wearing shorts with my fat ass, I think dancing, I think spending time with my friends and not feeling guilty for not having the whole house clean, or not having written an essay is a fucking win against the world of men.

I know that “Living my life” might seem like nothing to so many of you, but the truth is that for so long I wasn’t allowed to live my life the way I wanted to. I had everyone in the world – mostly white people – telling me who to behave, and how to get to places I had no interest in going.

For the first time in my life, I have the freedom to be myself and the only people uncomfortable with that, are folks who don’t want to see me succeed.

There was a time when I genuinely didn’t want to be seen as successful, and again it’s because everyone who was trying to teach me how to be, was a white person who either didn’t know or didn’t care, that I was being deeply and constantly abused.

Like many survivors, I was a child when it started, and it continued into adulthood because I didn’t know how to stop it. The only reason I went to the cops was because I needed to escape the cycle of abuse I was facing. To say they were less than useless is an understatement.

I didn’t get a survivor’s celebration like Gisele Pelicot, most of us don’t. Most of us are pushed into the shadows, given pills that we’re told will help with our thoughts, and systimatically ignored.

I chose deliberately to shine a light on what was done to me, because I was angry, but I continue to talk about it because I want other girls and non-binary people to know their voice matters.

I want them to know that if ever they need an ear, I’m here. This is why I don’t shy away from meeting folks at Pride events and why I am constantly saying that a girl’s autonomy is her power.

When we take that away we deserve what we get.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl