When you are actively being abused, the only thing you think about is how to make the abuser stop.
That’s it, “How do I end this?” is the only question you learn to ask yourself because from the moment the abuse starts, your life becomes about making sure it never happens again, even if that means staying.
Once you finally do escape, however that looks for you, suddenly you have all these options that you didn’t have before, and it can be overwhelming in completely understandable ways.
You can end up feeling guilty for those you left behind because sometimes it means running for your life and praying your abuser and his friends never find you again.
You can feel scared that the abuse isn’t really over and that it’s just a fantasy you’re having in your head.
And then you can feel scared that choosing a positive option will only end up in failure, and that’s the one that I am stuck on right now.
I no longer feel guilty for anyone who feels I left them behind because I made it very clear I was no longer going to be the girl who got raped, and I asked folks to join me. No one did, everyone of you fuckers left me to swim or drown out here on my own, and look at me fucking swimming in all the shit you flung my way.
I’m healing, and I am very ready to move forward and as they say “Level up,”. I am ready to move forward to whatever the future holds because I no longer feel like the girl who gets left behind.
I feel like the person that has spent more than enough time healing from deep mental health issues, and now I am ready to get therapy.
This time, however, I will be ensuring my next therapist isn’t also an abuser. This time, I will do my due diligence and make sure that I go with a reputable company that isn’t hiring people connected to gangsters.
I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I have been through so much in my life, I’ve been unhoused twice in my lifetime and I want to work towards a future where I never have to worry about that again.
This is why I don’t have a partner and children yet, I want to be prepared for any eventuality, and I don’t trust that I can lean on anyone else to just take care of me while I spend even more time figuring out what to do next.
I wanted to be a writer when I grew up, I achieved that dream, now it’s time to build other dreams, and to really focus on building them so that they are successful and that they fill a need in the community.
That’s the most important part to me, is that I want my future dreams to fill a need in the community that isn’t being met, so with that being said, I sure as fuck, have my work ahead of me.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 