Loud Mouth Brown Girl

No, You Didn’t Choose Where You Ended Up, But Gather Your Supplies and Move Accordingly – DJH

I mean, I didn’t “Choose” this path. I ended up unhoused because we missed paying rent by one fucking day, and “Failed” into a beautiful location with people I love and care about, who are in their ways, healing parts of my soul I didn’t know were broken.

My life is infinitely better now, than it was eight years ago, and while I do miss somethings, I don’t miss a single person from my past.

When I was in Narcotics Anonymous, I got up and talked about how great my then friends were being with my sobriety, but the truth is, the more that I stayed sober, the less friends I had.

And that felt really awful. I couldn’t trust the guys in NA because they only wanted one thing and it wasn’t my sobriety, I couldn’t trust the women because they all had their own trust issues and trauma, and at the end of the day, none of us were dealing with our shit. We were just putting a bandaid on the problem and calling ourselves healed.

It took many years for me to quit drinking, and to date I haven’t had a drink in weeks. A few weeks ago I celebrated Lady E’s birthday and had one shot exactly. I haven’t touched alcohol since.

I don’t struggle with drinking, not anymore. I don’t reach for alcohol when I am feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, I reach for cannabis instead.

The reason for that is because none of my friend’s drink on the regular. We may go out to dinner and have a drink, or maybe two, but no one has more than three, and when they do, they don’t drive.

I don’t have “Wifey,” friends, I have “Wife,” friends. Friends who are legally married, who get up, feed the kids, go to work, and come home to do the same the next day. Strong, powerful, stunningly beautiful, women friends who are secure in themselves, make the best friends.

They don’t judge, they don’t push you away, and they don’t stomp on your trauma because it makes them good to feel so. They love you unconditionally, and they don’t hate on you for being different.

This is the game changer that I needed. Because of their loving on me, I am taking care of all my medical stuff. I never miss an appointment and I am often early because my friends have pitched in to help me get to my appointments.

I am #Blessed.

And it’s freaking me the fuck out.

Why you ask? Because what the fuck is this world without chaos and toxicity? What the fuck do you mean I can cut people off for being abusive? What the fuck do you mean Lady S and I can set boundaries with each other, that protect our friendship while keeping us both mentally safe?!

What in the unholy fuck do you mean, people will like me, even if I don’t do what they want me to do? Does anyone else get this shit? Does it make sense to you? This is called “Happy, healthy, relationship building,” and it’s fucking weird.

I had a friend who lives close and they went from being my friend one day to completely ghosting, ignoring, and pretending I don’t exist, the next day for reasons that they created. Because of a situation, they created, and while I don’t usually mention my friends or relationships for clout, I say this because, cruel people do this.

Healthy people I have learned, will sit with you. They will have a conversation with you and they will want to fix, save, or protect your relationship because you matter to them. When you ask them for help they show up for you, they show you that you matter, and they teach you that you can take space, and come back and they will still be there.

And if push comes to shove and you need to leave, healthy people will let you leave without all the drama and bullshit that toxic people are capable of.

My life has become what I dreamt it could be, and now I am afraid to ask for more. I mean, you bet your ass that I am going to because this is nowhere near as good as it gets, but I am afraid to.

I feel like the foundation of my life currently has very tender roots, they aren’t fully developed and I am afraid that if I don’t take care of what I have,I am going to lose it.

So that being said, it’s time to clean. And y’all know how much I LOVE doing that.

Sending all my love,