Let me talk to my over stiumlated, super traumatized, over healing, girls right now. Let me talk to the girls who are in their “Glow up and Heal” era, let me talk to the ladies who are perfectly fine being single, but are trying to understand what that looks like so they can still have a full life.
If you’re like me, at this stage in your life, you have a bunch of really great friends, but they have kids and you’re the only single friend. And no, you don’t have other friends, because you cut everyone off for trying to murder you.
But you’re thriving baby, because you’re in the process of building something on your terms, you’re finding your way, you’re seeing what works and what doesn’t, and you’re learning who your audience is, vs who your true inner circle is.
Now, at this stage you are single, and you’re perfectly okay without a partner, but…let’s go there for a moment, if you were going to get into a relationship, what are you looking for?
Let me ask that again:
What are YOU looking for? Forget the insecurities, forget whether or not you have broken teeth and scars on your body that shouldn’t be there, remember instead that you are a survivor, a warrior, a strength in the darkness for those who feel like there’s no one to turn to.
Now ask that question, a third time: What are you looking for?
Can you answer that question? Because I can’t, and the reason is that I specifically don’t know what I want. Other than to say I don’t want what I had. I don’t want white guys in dreads who throw me against the wall and kiss me, or my bed, or who invalidate my existence. I don’t want gangsters who set me up to be raped so they can protect their drug addicted baby mama from grown ass men who are scarier than the Devil and dumber than shit.
I don’t want Christian guys who fly all the way to Africa to tell them about the “Big bad Black evil witch who worked in a church and saved lives but is still going to Hell for refusing to believe in the one true God.”
I want someone kind I think, someone who will – or at the very least, is willing – to slay dragons for me if need be. I want the person who isn’t afraid to rush into a burning fire to save a life, but also knows his limitations, I want someone who genuinely wants to take me, and them, and put us first, at all times.
I want someone who says shit like “I gotta ask my partner what they’re up to first,” because and only because they care enough to consider me in their plans.
Bloody hell I want someone whose willing to spend $300 on a fucking dinner for me, without blinking at the God damned price, because yes, I was raised by a wealthy family, and yes I dated poor ass losers with ZERO ambition or interest in having ambition and now I want more.
I want to be the fucking Cardi God Damned B, of the Literary world. I want to be raw and unglued, maybe even unhinged, and I want that person who laughs and says “Okay, we got this, let’s go,” instead of “Chill out.”
I’m as chill as it can get, I want the person I can get crazy in front of, who isn’t going to get scared because I seem a little nutty for a moment or two. I want someone who is going to be willing to learn to trust that when I am on my scale, I know what the fuck I am doing without questioning my every God damned move.
And for the record, I want someone who asks to share my bed, before they just climb in and assume they belong there. Yes, I am talking to you C.
I’m tired of men, but I don’t think that’s enough of a reason to start dating -anyone- period. I am tired of putting an effort in for people who don’t give me a second thought, and I am tired of waiting for myself to catch up to where I want to be.
I’ve spent the last few years providing tons of free content, and I don’t mind that at all because I want you to have access to my work, but I also want to earn an income, so in four weeks I am going to start looking for a job, and I am really excited.
Spending all those weeks in the gym before I broke my ankle showed me how much I enjoy movement, and for a really long time I forgot that. I let myself get caught in the “Go to work, party to get over work, wake up hangover repeat,” cycle because it was just easy. And I didn’t have anyone to pull me out.
Between getting gang raped and ending up unhoused, and then in this beautiful location with all these amazing friends has shown me that it’s okay to have wants, and expectations, and it’s okay to know what you are willing to wait for.
I’m uninterested in being yet another man’s ego piece, I want to be somebody’s life partner, and I am absolutely willing to wait as long as it takes to find the right person regardless of their gender. Regardless of what insecurities they might live with. Maybe if I find the right path, on my own, without having men force me into survival mode all the fucking time, I’ll be able to find someone on my emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical level.
I bet you we can.
Sending all our love,
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 