Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Hi Friends

It’s been a minute, and I honestly can say that I am at the place where I need help. I’ve done as much as I can possibly do on my own, and now I need to find ways to navigate this world so that I can find the allies I need to push LMBG to the next level.

I have a list of goals that I want to accomplish including but not limited to:

• Having a world-renowned lifestyle brand
• Speaking at the United Nations on Child abuse, Sex trafficking and the ramifications of ignoring these issues in adults
• Owning a cannabis cafe in my community
• Buying a house with my own money

That’s it. There are four things on my list that I want to accomplish before I die. When I’ve done all four things I’ll come up with new things, but until then these are the goals I am working towards and I need to write them out and publish them so that other folks can help me manifest my dreams.

I know that being a writer was what I wanted at five years old, but I spent decades not telling anyone what I wanted to be – other than a rapper – and I spent those same decades being nothing that really mattered to anyone.

Now I am a writer, with friends, fans, and allies around the world and I matter to all kinds of different people for different reasons.

I feel loved. Almost daily, yesterday was rough – to the point that I really did say out loud “I want to end my life,” but I know that saying the words is more about releasing the trauma and the tears, than the desire to fulfill the action itself.

I will never end my life, because that’s the promise that I made to my youngest most innocent self. I will never – ever – take my own life, but that doesn’t mean that knowing this, makes me feel like I am in control all the time.

A lot of the time I feel like I am spinning through time, still. Like I was as a child, just waiting for the next abuser to show up.

My body, mind, and soul, are so tired and there are reasons for that, many of you readers already know this and understand it deeply because you’re in similar places yourself.

But it’s not something that you can just throw out there to anyone, not everyone knows the deep exhaustion the soul can feel after decades of trauma. I know plenty of women who contributed to the trauma they faced by their own toxic choices, and I know I was not one of them.

I was victimized, and I have to remember that. I didn’t choose to be abused, the abusers chose me. I set myself free by telling the truth and I know in my soul I’ll never “let” it happen again as much as I know I may not have a choice.

Fear – a healthy dose of it – is enough to keep you safe, but when you let it build, it can envelop you and control every aspect of your life. I am trying not to let that happen, I am trying to let myself have experiences, dates, and relationships that are healthy, without me being constantly worried that everything is going to fall apart.

I know now the difference between healthy and toxic relationships and I am choosing as much as I can to be healthy. To take care of myself when I need to and those I love when I can.

It’s fucking hard, insert laugh here. To take care of yourself I mean, to feed yourself when you are used to starving is confusing, it confuses the body, the mind and yes, the soul too.

When you’re used to negativity, toxicity, to grossness, but you live somewhere beautiful, where you have all the things, it’s really easy to fall back into old habits.

This week I haven’t been as diligent at cleaning as I have been in the last few months and honestly? I don’t feel bad about it because I know it will get done today. I also know that it’s okay to let some shit pile up once in awhile, as long as you don’t disassociate so long you forget it’s there…again.

I have words like Disassociate, that I didn’t have eight years ago, hell three years ago. I know words that help me describe what I am going through because I have a community of people who are teaching me about mental health in ways that no doctor ever cared to bother.

So for that I am fucking grateful, for that I am strong enough to keep going…even on days when I don’t fucking want to.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl