My sista’s come from all over the world. From Panama to Calgary, they are powerful white, Black, Asian, Palestinian, Jewish, Disabled, LGBTQ2S+NBIA, they are all kinds of different people. Some are tall, some are short, some are fat, others are skinny. Each of us brings something to my table, and I hope I bring equal amounts to their table. But I doubt it.
I love my sista’s with all my heart.
I didn’t know that friendships like this could exist. Yes, I’ve heard of them, but I am used to what I am getting with my former friend currently. I’m used to manipulation, backstabbing, gaslighting, I am used to toxicity in ways most people would run from.
Chaos is a comfort to me, but with these ladies, I don’t have to embrace chaos, I can embrace peace, I can find different ways to deal with my differences. I don’t have to be ready to fight with my fists all the time, I can just be myself.
It feels good to know that I don’t -always- have to be the one standing up for everyone, because instead of one person standing for the group, we stand for each other.
I am literally the luckiest person in the world, and not because of my bank account, or my apartment, but because I have friends who would genuinely put feet to the fire to protect me.
I would do the absolute same for them, and not just because I would do that for most people, but because these particular women that I am talking about, have been with me through all the changes in the last eight years.
They’ve followed my journey, and some of them have joined me only recently, but each of them brings something to my life that I didn’t have before.
I have a self-confidence about myself that I always had, but didn’t know how to release. I know now that I can stand up for myself in ways that aren’t dramatic and drastic, but the difference is this time I am not surrounded by rapists who bring out the worst in me.
I am a survivor yes, but I am also growing into something else. I am not sure what that is yet, or how much longer this version of me will be here, but what I do know is that I am proud to be in this place.
The getting here was fucking difficult, but I found Better. I knew it existed, I told people that it did, and watched them die trying to prove me wrong, and here I am, having better than I’ve ever had in my entire life.
I’ve always dealt with jealous and manipulative girls who didn’t know how to stand in their own shit. Literally they would fling it at me because like me, they didn’t understand how to be women and girls who didn’t treat other women and girls like the enemy. It was how they were raised.
These girls and women that I am talking about, all understand exactly what it feels like to be the girl enemy, and to be the enemy of girls, and so they treat each of us with the tenderness we need.
For the first time I am safe, and there is an army of people between me and my abusers, people who have a vested interest in seeing me grow into the next chapter of myself.
I love them for that. I love them for carrying the parts of my trauma that I haven’t told you and can’t carry alone. I love them for fucking wanting to carry my God damned trauma, like what the fuck? Who saw that coming?!
People who don’t say I am too much, or don’t tell me to tone it down are the most precious souls alive.
So thank you to all the women, girls, trans or otherwise, who have loved me. To those who love me unconditionally without trying to change me down to my DNA because they see me as “Too perfect,” to those who celebrate me when I am not around, and speak my name into rooms I don’t even know exist. Thank you.
With all my heart and soul, I am so grateful for the life you have given me and I promise I won’t fuck it up.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 