Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Several years ago I was asked if I wanted help building this website and turning it into something really massive. At the time I just wanted to do it myself. I especially didn’t want the help of a white man who didn’t, couldn’t, and would never, understand the struggles of a biracial Black person.

8 Years later, I know I made the right choice. Not just for my personal life, but for LMBG. I wanted this website to be my place. The place where I come to show the world that I am actually, doing the fucking work.

I wanted – and want – you to know that the faith you put in me as you read each of these blog posts, is not misplaced. I want you to know, that I am doing everything I can to get better.

Part of this is ego. Part of this is that I do want folks to acknowledge that I am not out there doing drugs and giving up on myself, but that I am out here, really trying to make a difference in my life. But I also want to actually make a difference, in the lives of those around me.

I truly believe that no one on this planet, can heal without community, but I also think that if you can’t find that community, it’s your responsibility to be a part of building that community. And so here I am, trying my best to do that.

Some of you know I have a Facebook group called Loud Mouth Bloggers, but I’ll be shutting that down because honestly I just don’t have the space for it.

I do know that I struggle with telling you all what I am doing and how I am feeling because I don’t want these blog posts to seem like a “Wah wah wah” kind of situation. But I do feel that I need to let myself be more vulnerable.

I told my good friend all about my past recently. Even the parts that I am “not supposed to be able to remember,” and you know what they did? They took it in stride and said the most astounding thing. “I believe you.”

That’s it, no qualification, no justifications, just “I believe you.’ I even told her about this group of brothers that’s been bothering me for awhile, and she said “I got you.”

What?! I’ve never had that before, I’ve only ever had people remind me – as I often reminded other girls – that the lives we were living back then, were the lives we were choosing to live.

But I don’t know anymore if that’s true. I am starting to wonder if the only reason I got so close to the gang shit, was because I was trying to escape the church shit, which I only went to, to begin with, because I was trying to escape the cult shit.

Like my friend That Bad Ax said in a video recently “Every level is another level of crazy,” that was my life for so long. And now I live in a place where there are so many women who are struggling like I am, and for the first time in my life, I genuinely feel safe.

I am terrified of the future but I am also exhilarated. I can’t wait to see what I become, where I go, and who I meet, I can’t believe that for so long I was stuck in the dark unable to escape, because that feels like it all happened to another person.

I still have people sending me messages telling me “You’re gonna get it,” or “The world hates you,” whatever, fuck off, I am uninterested in the negativity of the world. So I block and move on as quickly as I can, because I am so excited about all these amazing doors that are opening for me soon.

The broken ankle has put a wrinkle in my stride, but only a wrinkle, and not one that I can’t escape. I know damned well I like you, have struggled too long, to give up now, but I am doing the best I can.

I just…I feel so fucking grateful to all the people who have supported me with grace, who have heard my story, opened up their doors to me, and said “Come on in,” without worrying that my trauma might affect them.

I didn’t know I could find folks who gave a shit, just because they decided I was worth giving a shit about…it’s an interesting, but slightly overwhelming place to live in.

My good friend said the other day about finding a good guy finally “I didn’t know they were real,” hah they aren’t, the real ones are Unicorns and should be treated as such.

But if someone who as struggled as much as she has, can find someone outside her circle of abusers, maybe I can too? The only question is do I care enough to look?!

The answer is a resounding hell no, because I’m not in the mood to fuck up my life right now, it’s too damned good. Maybe next year?

Sending all my love,