Loud Mouth Brown Girl

No I’m not fucking ready to get into a relationship thank you Sir. No I am not prepared for the falls and highs of being with someone that I can’t trust.

It takes at least a full year to learn someone’s habits and likes and dislikes, to really learn who a person is, you have to spend a year with them at least.

Not everyone has that kind of time, sometimes we meet people and we know instantaneously that they are not the one for us, because the red flags are flying all over the place.

Other times, when we’ve dealt with seriously traumatic experiences, caused by seriously demonic and evil people, it’s difficult to trust that not everyone has that kind of evil inside of them.

When I got raped for the last fucking time, (Pray to the God’s that’s true,), I was with someone I trusted, who was a friend of a friend, who I thought I could trust.

Turns out they’d been stalking me for most of my life. My whole life has been filled with men who chased me down in the streets just to rape me so they could say they fucking did.

For the first year I lived in my new building, any time I went anywhere with my then new friends, I wondered seriously, if they were taking me somewhere to murder me.

I was genuinely afraid for a good year before I realized that not everyone has that kind of evil in them and not only that, but some people are choosing to be the wall between my abusers and me, and that’s a fucking shocking experience.

In my whole life I’ve never had people choose to stand up for me. Most of the people I’ve known were people who were perfectly comfortable “Sacrificing” my happiness, so they could be happy.

From girls who tried to sleep with guys I was into, to women telling lies about me to break up relationships, just so they can have what they perceived as something they wanted.

I remember when I broke up with J, a girlfriend told me how hot he was. I told her she could have him, no hard feelings, largely because I knew if she knew what I knew, she’d never have thought he was attractive. I did warn her, and she stayed away because she was smart, but not every girl is like that.

Most women don’t care what a previous woman’s experience is with a man, they are convinced that they can change him, or that he’ll be different. But if someone tells you someone has red flags, believe that shit.

Healing ain’t easy because we want so bad to be healed.

Read that again.

We want so bad to skip the parts of healing that hurt, that we race into these relationships that are neither healthy nor safe, convincing ourselves that as long it was better than what we had, then it must be good, even when it’s bad.

Until I started taking a deep look at myself, the way I was raised, the things I went through, and started to understand that while it’s not my fault those things happened, there are behavioral issues that come to light when I am in a relationship, that might not have otherwise.

I struggle with my anger, which is why I smoke so much cannabis. It keeps me calm and prevents me from saying things I might say if I wasn’t stoned all the time.

If I told the truth about the way things really are in my life and in this world, I’d be imprisoned in a jail or a mental hospital and they’d never let me out. Largely because I’ve had interactions with people from all walks of life, I know a lot about how the world works, that other folks may not know.

We are a society of self-indulgence, we forgive any sin as long as we don’t have to deal with the discomfort of fighting against the sins.

The Roman Catholic Church still has “Sin Eaters” for wealthy and powerful people. Just think about that for a moment. You can commit any sin you want, and if you can pay the price the Church will hire someone to “Eat your sins,” so you can go to Hell with a clean soul meanwhile they spend the rest of eternity suffering because they ate your fucking sins.

Jesus H. Christ.

I can’t with this world, it’s such a game of pageantry. The entire fucking world acts like it’s perfectly okay with anything in the world happening – rape torture murder death – as long as it doesn’t happen to a white person. Specifically a white woman.

With no disrespect to Gisele Pelicot, I wish that when it came time for Black, Indigenous and Brown women to come forward with our stories, the world paid half as much attention.

I was raped for over thirty years, thirty fucking years of my life, were spent being a sex doll for men who got off on raping me throughout the ages knowing no one was going to stop them. As been proven by the cops literally doing nothing but having me declared insane.

When I came forward, the people at CTV news told me that my story “Isn’t interesting enough.”

Jesus Christ.

Do I have to die to have an interesting life? Again? Is that what it’s going to take? I don’t want to be known as the person who got raped a lot. I want to be known as the person who got raped a lot and found a way to make their dreams come true regardless.

The problem is that I’ve been so broken down by abusers and trauma that I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore.

I used to think I wanted to go to Hollywood but that place is so assbackward when it comes to abuse that the very thought of ending up there makes me want to slit my own wrists. No fucking thank you, uninterested in that cesspool of abuse.

Even the women I look up to and admire are staying silent after the #MeToo movement, we were promised a reckoning for the rights of women and girls everywhere and that faded as quickly as Rock The Vote.

My very good friend just got married recently and as I was watching this phenomenal couple exchange their vows, for just a second I heard something inside me whisper “I want that,” but when I consciously thought about it, the realization that anyone I pick might be a man who was indirectly or directly involved with what was done to me, makes me want to die. Literally.

Not violently, but it does make me think about MAID quite a bit.

I know that’s not a choice I would ever make, but I do understand why folks make that choice.

For years I thought I was the problem, and then something came to light recently that proved it wasn’t me that is the huge problem, and the person who is, tried to gaslight me and say “Oh well you know if you…” No, person I put trust in you, and YOU broke that trust. Independent of me, I had nothing to do with YOU breaking the trust that “I” put inside of you.

This is the first time in my life I’ve been able to say that, and it doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would. It just makes me sad that my younger self had to grow up and deal with all that gaslighting, negligence, and ignorance, when they didn’t or shouldn’t have had to.

I think sometimes I would be a great mom, but then I look at how I treat my mom sometimes when I get angry or frustrated and I know I can’t get vicious.

I also don’t just want to rush into something so that I can be a mom before it’s too late. If it happens it does, if not I’ll find other ways to fill that hole, but yeah, it makes me sad sometimes when I think about how things could have been, would have been, if I’d been just a tiny bit more protected.

Until next time,

Sending all my love,