Loud Mouth Brown Girl

******TRIGGER WARNING****** Before you read any further please note that this essay contains real stories of real abuse that may cause harm to your psyche. Please read with caution.

By now pretty much everyone who reads this blog, knows or should know I survived NXIVM, before it was what it became.

They were “The light bringers,” and they were a “sex cult,” in Calgary. But not really because no one but me ever came forward, and if you think Keith’s victims in the states are a lot, there are HUNDREDS here.

I remember how dizzy I felt after drinking what I was told, was orange juice. I remember a man with black hair and brown eyes taking my pants down and telling me his name was that of some celebrity.

I remember.

And every single time I see a photo from Epstein Island, or anything to do with him, Oprah, or Trump, I am re-triggered, and re-traumatized.

I fully get why these women want us to sit with their trauma, and we should, because that’s exactly what I expected when I first came forward.

I expected everyone in the world, to be ready, able, and more importantly willing, to take on my trauma, without considering that they had trauma’s of their own.

It took me a long, long, long, long time to understand, that I was not alone. I am not alone today.

There are millions of women are breaking free today, tomorrow, and every day after that, and meanwhile just as women are trying to find themselves outside of abuse and narcissism, Trump announces the fucking Patriot Games.

This man has taken film media as a history lesson, and he is now living in his favorite films. We’re screwed, and if you don’t think something like that “Could ever, ever ever,” happen here, think a fucking gain.

He wasn’t joking when he said he wants to invade Canada, and he wasn’t joking when he said that he wants Canada as the 51st state.

Can he get away with it? Absolutely not, it’s not likely that Trump is actually going to declare all out war on Canada, (but if anyone were gonna…), that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get our shit in order, so to speak.

Right now there is a convicted sex criminal in the most powerful House in the entire world, and in the same breath that we’re talking about how he is a known child predator, literally none of the people in power, who could do something, are doing anything.

And I’m not just talking about the US, or Canada. I’m talking about other global nations.

Right now Greenland – of all places – has declared the United States of America, as a national threat.

Mexico has said Fuck Trump and has rerouted all of their tomato and fruit supply to Canada, which means that we’re making friends all over the place.

Other countries – including Germany, and ya’ll KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MY GERMAN AUDIENCE – Needs to stand up to Trump and remember that they are the same country that said “Never Again,” from day one after V Day.

The world is saying no to tyranny, and too many of you are saying yes with your full chests.

Many of you have seen the “The astroid is coming,” John Hammer memes, those folks aren’t kidding, people are ready for the wars, the battles, and the fights to be over.

People are ready for peace, but those in charge are demanding blood, they are fighting with everything they have to protect places like the occupied nation of Palestine, aka Israel, with their full chests, and demanding that those of us who disagree fight in the name of countries that don’t believe colonization is wrong.

We are the generation that is supposed to have learned from our ancestors mistakes, we are supposed to be the future of this world, the fuck are you joining the armed forces for?!

I grew up next to an army base, I know how brutally angry and abusive those kids are, and I also know that because of their parents positions in the world, no one stops to check on the kids of soldiers anymore.

The kids were innocent, until they chose not to be, until they decided that people who look like me, are better off on our backs with our legs spread.

I’m tired. My counselor says the word is “Exhausted,” I don’t even know if that fits how tired I am. I know I am not the only one, but I also know that I am supposed to be standing for those who can’t or won’t speak up for whatever reason.

But at what point do I get to take a break? Yeah, this would be a lot fucking easier, if the people in power acknowledged that we are out here, that we are speaking out, that we’re not fucking bots, and that yes we’re angry people, who happen to be Black women, we’re not angry Black women.

I am pissed as hell at Taylor Swift’s new anti-Black album, I know what it means to be told that I should keep my mouth shut, and yet here I am, still talking because I know damned well that if I keep my mouth shut like so many people want me to, no one will bother to ask “what happens if they’re telling the truth?”

Because of Epstein we know that child grooming gangs exist, thanks to Giselle Pelicot we know the abuser can be under your roof or right next door, and all his allies will keep the secret, because they’re more afraid of the abuser than they are of the truth coming out.

It’s disgusting, if you know someone is a rapist, a terrorist, an abuser, an incel, a white supremacist, and you do nothing, you are absolutely a part of the problem A.

I know that I am being watched, I’ve always known, I’m not afraid of being watched, or even of being attacked again, I can handle anything this universe can throw at me, I’ve already proven that.

What I can’t handle is deliberate ignorance at the sake of children and women who didn’t ask to be a part of the world wars that y’all are fighting.

Some of us just wanted to study the ancient ones, or go to the stars, some of us believed in Jesus so much that the abuse at the hands of a priest, that the words that reitterated the fact that it was our fault, are too traumatic to talk about.

So when you push this “One God” ideology, know that some of us were really deeply harmed in the making of that myth.

Understand that some of us just can’t face the world, our disabilities won’t allow it. Acknowledge that even if you don’t understand our art, even if you can’t comprehend the amount of suffering that went into it, we still deserved to be paid a fair, equitable, living wage for making it.

Each of us has to do what we have to do to survive in this very harsh and cruel world, that’s a fact. But what’s also a fact is that some of us are better equipped to carry the weight of others.

For most of my childhood I carried the weight of everyone’s traum around me. I was “The” sacrifical lamb in literal horrid and disgusting awful ways.

Now that I’m free I’m told “You can do whatever you want,” but I can’t, because I can’t afford to do whatever I want. I have to do what’s going to keep me safe, because I’m the only one who believes the danger is still out there just waiting to strike. If not me, someone else.

I keep hoping that things have changed since I left Surrey, then I hear one abuser jumped out while in prison, that was hopeful, until I learned his daughter has turned into quite the bully. The cycle repeats.

Another is still weaponizing his dick against the women in his life, no surprise there. A third is being investigated for child abuse, more cycles repeating.

Meanwhile the cops are twiddling their thumbs acting like it’s no big deal that I, and others were raped for decades across city limits.

I hate it here.

I fucking hate it, and I Hate every single one of you who is just out there posting Epstein files without thinking about the consequences to those of us still in the fight.

I don’t know what else to say, too many of you are “Allies” before you’re humans, and y’all need to knock it the fuck off.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall