Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I am back to making small decisions.

I decided this morning to get out of bed. I needed to take the garbage out and let myself rest as needed. Small goals help me achieve big goals.

I know from the outside looking in, it doesn’t feel like I’ve advanced very far in the world, but inside my head, I am exactly where I need to be.

I know I’m not making “Power moves,” but when I started this website, I made it very clear I wanted to track my progress from where I started to wherever I ended up.

I know it doesn’t feel like I have big goals because I am not bragging about all the things I have done or am doing, but I took a chance on myself this week, and I am pretty proud of myself.

This year I missed out on a massive opportunity with Sephora because I didn’t have the balls to lady myself up and actually put myself out there, and I regret that a lot, so this week I made a decision and did something that will hopefully bring awareness to what survivors are capable of after trauma.

I am not the image of a survivor that you see in the press. I do not have an army of people supporting me, and I do not have millions of dollars to stroke my ego if I fail. All I have is LMBG; it’s the one thing that I took and turned into something beautiful, and no one can take that away from me.

I’m heavy set, I have missing teeth, I have scars, and I don’t bother to hide them, specifically because I want folks to understand that surviving meant losing teeth, it meant gaining weight, it meant doing what I had to do, to escape the worst years of my life, so I could start living the best.

I am now about to start living the best years of my life, and I honestly can’t wait. I can’t wait to change the outcome of the last few years, and to walk through the doors that are open for me, so that I can take the next step.

Now, all this being said, I have an idea of what the next step looks like, but the full picture won’t come together until I get closer to deciding if “This step” is one I genuinely want to take.

I am excited about the future, but more than that, thanks to all the people pushing me forward, I am grateful for the moments I am getting right now.

No, it fucking wasn’t easy getting here. I ended up sleeping in an office on the Downtown Eastside. Before I found this place, I was one wall between the street and being kind of housed, and yet here I am with all these amazing doors just waiting for me to fling them open.

I’ve been doubting myself – quietly – for years because I don’t have the majick follower number, because I don’t have a huge social media presence and because I’m not out on these internet halls causing all kinds of drama to get my name out there. But I am never going to do that again.

I don’t fully know what my mission is yet, and I am not entirely sure about my purpose as they say, yet, but what I do know is that today of all days I am not yet ready to give up and die.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl