This is a “Dear John,” letter to all those who are feeling unloved right now, by their spiritual community.
For many years after I turned 11 and was molested in the church, I felt like God personally, was attacking me. I couldn’t differentiate between Good and Evil or God and Satan because everyone around me either knew what I was going through and chose to remain silent, or were physically complicit.
When I told an 11-year-old gay boy to keep his mouth shut about being gay, it wasn’t because I felt he needed to be ashamed, it was entirely because I knew his life would be at risk when people found out. I was unhappily correct, but that doesn’t mean that just I was right.
What I should have said is that God loves you. If I’d had the strength I would have told you that your life matters and that because you are here, the world is a lighter place.
It took me a long time to separate the church, and it’s people, from the God I wanted so desperately to love, but was trained to be so afraid of. The God I love isn’t one person.
Let me say that louder. Many different faith systems have God-like creatures, it is to my understanding, a state of being, so much more than it is a specific persona that we pray to.
I don’t believe that the Gods hate their descendants, I think they are as beautiful, talented, wise, and yes flawed, as human beings are. They’ve gone to war, they’ve made babies. They’ve ruled entire empires, and now they are just little more than a memory, for those who care to remember at all.
Many different Christians will have you believe that their way is the only way, but the truth of it is, if you want something then you have to find a way to get it. Legally, of course, but otherwise, by any means necessary.
No matter what you want, you CAN have it, it’s not going to be easy. The world that we live in makes nothing easy, I am starting to believe that’s a part of the great grande design. But if you want it, yeah you can have it.
I’ve learned through life, and death, a lot occurs that I don’t understand, don’t accept, and am not a part in deciding, but I can’t control that stuff. All I can control is me.
That’s the only power I have. Everything else is something I learn to navigate through, by leaning on my support system, and yes occasionally Google.
If you’re out there, and you’re wondering whether or not you should keep going, I implore you to let this be your sign of yes. Yes transition, yes be happy, yes feel loved, yes love yourself, yes get the tattoo, dye your hair. Do what you need to do, to feel as whole as yourself. Without worrying about what others think.
That’s the secret to happiness. That and occasionally kicking some serious ass when you need to.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 