The most afraid people I’ve ever met, ae folks in the public eye.
When I talk about fear, I am in this moment talking about real fear. Not the kind that makes you think you’re going to die, that’s terror.
No, I am talking about all the little things that hold us back from living our lives, based on what might happen, instead of what is happening.
Each of us has something that scares us, that holds us back from living the lives that we desperately want, and need to live.
For me, it’s living life without a cigarette. I’ve been smoking since I was thirteen, and recently I’ve made the decision to attempt to stop.
I didn’t and am not doing this for anyone but myself. None of my friends smoke and it’s been pointed out that the undesireable scent of smoke folllows me everywhere I go.
I genuinely hate that. So yesterday I signed up to get a pack of patches, and put in a call to my doctor to discuss cessation options, and yes I am terrified.
Many of us who smoke understand that often the reason we get stuck smoking is because it genuinely does help with emotional damage and breakage.
It helps to calm the nervous system, but the only reason it does that is because over time smoking cigaretts is less about smoking and more about coping.
“Get through this smoke and everything will be okay.” Except then you need another smoke, and another, and before you know it, you’re fighting cancer and a host of other issues, and I just don’t want that to be my fate.
I fucking love, a good cigrette, but I also like working out, healing, and moving forward. Smoking cigarettes, has been a strong, survival technique for more than thirty years, and yes I am afraid of what life looks like on the other side, all of us who quit, are.
The question is, what are you so afraid of? Like I said, lots of people smoke to deal with their emotions – I know I do – so I am worried about all the Bi-polar(ish) emotions that come with no longer smoking.
As I stated in the quote beside this block, fear really is the universe’s best weapon, against greatness.
How many more doctors, teachers, and even better, kinder, more politicians would we have, if folks were less afraid of the consequences of going after their dreams?
I know I gave up music because my ADHD made it difficult for me to read the sheet music, and abusive teachers made me afraid to ask for help.
Fear is the universe’s best weapon against greatness.—DevonJHall
I remember once in grade four I was asked to write a short story, I will never forget using and/or, I had used it correctly, and still Mrs. Barinisky made fun of me in front of the entire class, giving them permissing to participate.
I was raped that year on school grounds, everyone knew, and yes, it absolutely was covered up. Because of course.
If it hadn’t been for Mrs B, I might have been a better writer, or become the astronaught I wanted to be.
I had big dreams as a child, like all child, but fear has kept me from living my life for so fucking long – and to be fair, I had valid reasons to be afraid, and I still do, but it no longer makes sense to let fear hold me back from living the life I want to have.
The Only Way to Beat Fear Is To Use It
I had nothing to lose when I started this blog. All my so-called-friends, had chosen to stay where they were, I was it seemed the only person who wanted out.
So losing people wasn’t a problem for me. I didn’t go running to the recovery rooms again because I knew true healing didn’t mean going backward.
I took a huge risk telling my story, but thankfully it was the right choice for me. Not everyone has the privilege of coming forward without having violence being the end result.
Many women presenting people, are still in shitty situations because they physically have nowhere to go.
How do you run from an abuser, when there is nothing and no one for miles? Some try, some make it, but more often than not there is a community of support for people causing the fear, and less for those who experience the fear.
Now that you get that, you begin to understand what smoking has been helping me to hide.
As a coping mechanism, smoking has been w3ith me since I was thirteen, I’ve been smoking for 19 years, that’s a long time to find ways to avoid dealing with your problems.
I am genuinely terrified of what’s going to come out when my lungs finally have space to breath. However, I think I’ve set myself up for succes:
- I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss medication
- I’m surrounded by people who don’t smoke.
- I am currently broke so I can’t afford to replenish my supply.
- I have patches for when I am finally out of smokes so I have 0 excuses to not use them.
I think I have a good chance at quitting this terrible habit, I am excited to see who I am on cannabis alone, I am excited to get rid of this cough, and to stop tasting and smelling like unpleasent smoke.
I know why I started, I know why I kept doing it, and I know why I am ready to put it down, and this time it isn’t for anyone else, it’s for myself. For the little girl inside of me who wants to do more than spend half their life smoking the days away and the elder I am about to become, who doesn’t want the consequences of cancer.
I wish I had more therapy under my belt to help me deal with all the emotions that are going to come up, but like everything else along my mental health journey, what I learn during this process, will hopefully help those of us who are still struggling.
Wish me luck
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 