Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I was fourteen. I have no idea how I got to that house, or why I was there, but I distinctly remember him. W. He was tall with long black hair and a trucker’s hat. I remember the smell, weed, beer, and something I couldn’t identify cooking in the kitchen beyond the living room entrance.

There were half a dozen kids there, a couple of girls. He made the boys rape me. Two did, one did not, then he threw me out, naked, completely naked, because the police were coming.

Jada got me clothing, and Red got me home. I think. I don’t even remember where I was living when it happened. But I know it happened.

I knew W from before, in Calgary, he’d been younger, but twice as evil back then, and he made his point clear. I’d been chosen alright, chosen to be his victim, because he was angry for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with racism and white supremacy.

I’d been abused by his son in Calgary, more than once, and the kids in that home were familiar to me. They would grow up to rape me again, and they would be the men that I talk about on this website.

We were children when it started, and W stole our childhood, along with E and K, and many others.

They stole our souls and turned us into something we were never meant to be. The last man to rape me was named A*, he was the first boy I ever cared about. The first time, when we were kids, he said, “I don’t want to do this,” I said, “Your dicks probably too small,” because we were kids, GET IT? I’d already been raped a million times by then, so one more wouldn’t have mattered, but those words stopped him. He went upstairs instead of hurting me…that time.

Then we grew up, and he brought all those men together to rape me again; he was the last. And I loved him. Not the kind of love where I wanted to marry him and be with him, but I loved him. Deeply. His betrayal was the last straw, and part of the reason this website exists. He’s definitely the reason I won’t shut up, C, because you have kids that love him, they’ll never know who he was, why he became an abuser. But I will.

I’m not holding your secrets because you don’t deserve my loyalty. The reason the Italian Mafia lasted so long was that they had a code of ethics, and breaking that code could often mean death for you, those you love, and anyone who utters your name when you’re gone.

Once you’re out, you’re out, but see, they have another rule: You don’t fucking hurt kids. Period. There’s no excuse for that, no excuse in the world is good enough for you to get away with raping children, or forcing them to rape each other. Every Italian knows that.

I was a child. I didn’t have a choice about loyalty. I stayed quiet, I got raped, I screamed, I got raped, I talked I got raped, and every single time I was told “God wants it this way, The Goddess Chose me, and on and on and on,” bullshit excuses men use to get away with raping children.

You want loyalty, but I spit on your face because you don’t fucking deserve it. The Italians knew you don’t mess with women and children, that was the rule, but too many of you have so many fucking mommy issues that you become gangsters because it’s the only thing that gets you hard.

It’s not even the power you have over others; it’s the fact that taking power from others is the only thing that makes you feel normal. Do you see how fucking sick and twisted that is?

I’d suggest therapy, but no therapist in the world deserves to sit there and help you unpack the reasons you chose being a rapist over being a best friend.

Go to jail, and rot in Hell. Let the men in there who know what’s right and wrong remind you why we don’t hurt children.

I am so sick and tired of this “Why didn’t they say anything or come forward” narrative. I’ve been speaking on this shit for nine fucking years, NINE YEARS, and y’all, I haven’t made a single dent in the conversation about childhood sex trafficking and how childhood sex trafficking affects the early development of children and girls.

I get threats every single day. And I don’t post them because what’s the point? I’m holding on to evidence in my head that proves what I say is true; ten billion examples from millions of women about childhood sex trafficking can’t be wrong.

You can’t sit there, watch CTV talk about how INTERPOL has broken down child sex trafficking rings and then genuinely believe that it can’t be happening here, especially when Black, Brown, and Indigenous girls have been talking about how it is happening here, ON TURTLE ISLAND, in Kanada, in Canada, right now.

As you read this, a little girl, a little boy, a child, is being sexually assaulted, and no one is talking about it other than the people talking about it.

So no, loyalty isn’t earned because you have a patch or because you wear a certain colour. Loyalty comes from proving to the community that you might be a danger to everyone, BUT the community of people who depend on you being a gangster, so you will protect the community.

That’s how gangs started, that’s what’s happening in LA right now, in Detroit right now, in Derby, right fucking now, people in gang colours are standing up to the government, and your punk ass is running around raping women, girls and children.

You’re not a gangster, you’re a bitch.

I grew up around men. I was a princess to my grandfather, and he taught me that when a man hurts you, you hurt him ten times harder, so he never does it again.

I chose not to be that way. This isn’t about hurting you, it’s about setting us all free. None of us deserved what we were given, and none of us would be who we are if not for those men, but I just get stuck on one thing…you were supposed to be the hero. And as it turns out, she wasn’t the rat. I wasn’t the rat. You were.

Funny how the tide changes. Now the streets think you’re a hero, the cops have neglected to see your rise, and everyone thinks you’re untouchable. In my whole life, I’ve never wished ill on anyone but you, A*. Mainly because, as I said, you ain’t a gangsta, you’s a bitch.

Gangsters are men. They take from the city, the town, the government, but hey, it’s okay because they GIVE to the people, and not just drugs.

Gangsters in the USA are fighting ICE for their neighbours, their kids, themselves, and y’all are out here raping children. You ain’t deserve loyalty, and you damned sure don’t deserve respect.

You deserve prisons, institutions, and whatever else comes next. You go off, I’ll be here watching and waiting for the day it’s time to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

XOXO

Devon J Hall