Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Since I joined Threads, there are so many new people from around the world visiting my blog, so I thought I would remind you all why I am here. Trigger warning, this story is wild, long, and filled with trauma.

My mother’s best friend from Alberta, is a woman who married KR who ran the NXIVM cult, and before that ran the “Light Bringers” Cult in Calgary Alberta Canada. The wife was a part of both groups, but didn’t follow him to the USA – I don’t to this day, know why.

What I do know is that KR “Sold” me, to EWG, who raped, tortured, abused, and branded me, before “Selling” me to someone else, who repeated the process over decades with dozens of abusers.

Some of the abusers were grown men, others were boys who were groomed into being rapists, then became rapists, and are now continuing their reign of terror across North Delta and Surrey BC.

I remembered because eight years ago I had a choice; I could start using cannabis, or I could start drinking. I could feel every single horrid memory swirling in my brain and I Knew that I couldn’t handle whatever was coming, on my own.

So I chose cannabis. I’d tried drinking in the past, and that didn’t help. So this time, I thought, why not? Eight years later and I’ve written three self-published books, I’ve contributed to a fourth, built this brand and am more healed than I’ve ever been.

I’ve learned a lot about mental health, the journey to find your balance, and healing through trauma, and I did most of it but not all of it, on my own. I had a community of support that spans the world. I’ve become a lot more political on outside platforms, in the last eight years.

However, that’s only because I’ve become increasingly aware that my voice holds power, and that power must be used to help those who are doing everything they can to help themselves, and are still going unheard.

My voice is reserved for the issues that are closest to my heart, specifically anything to do with protecting children, outing abusers, and reminding the entire world that Israel is a fucking Hell hole built on the bones of innocent people.

I don’t always “Have the spoons,” to keep this blog updated every day, I go through serious bouts of burnout which means I can barely function let alone write, but I do try to keep my social media updated with what’s happening with me.

I’m no longer looking for validation the way I was when I started this website, but I am looking for honest conversations about child abuse, child sex trafficking, and the consequences for survivors in the aftermath.

I know that my entire life has been wrapped up in advocacy, but I am also learning what it looks like when I translate that advocacy into supporting myself.

I speak only for myself because as much as I want to say I share my voice, I do not speak for anyone else, I’ve never tried to do that, but I have in the past overstepped and spoken when I should have kept my mouth shut.

I know for sure I have an ADHD, Schizophrenic diagnosis, but I also believe that I am autistic – and I say that because so many of my behaviors, are very similar to that of people who live with autism.

I’m learning more about my brain and how the psychology of my mental health affects me and those around me every single day, what I am not doing however, is letting myself struggle again.

For decades I was a dead thing, being raped by the world’s most disgusting, gross, heinously evil men, and no one cared. I played my part well until I could get out and then I found a way to set myself free.

I am the daughter of royal families, I am also a survivor. I had power, privilege, wealth, I lived in poverty and went hungry. I’ve had all kinds of experiences throughout my life, and all of them made me who I am, but none of them could force me to stay where I didn’t belong.

I am free because I fought for my freedom. I lied, cheated, stole, kicked and screamed, to get here. I am here because the universe took pity on me and gave me a fucking break, but I am also here because I earned it.

If you’re not where you want to be, it’s not because you deserve to be there, it might be because you’re stuck. It’s not my job to save you,but I will hold your hand and be there while you save yourself, if I can be.

I use this blog as a foundation for all my other projects, my most recent project is a storytelling endevor called “Remember Me, Vancouver.” Right now I’m in the process of figuring out how to start connecting with folks who live in the DTES, and are willing to share their stories.

I’m excited to see what Loud Mouth Brown Girl becomes, and more importantly than any of that, I am proud to say that survivors can’t be silenced. When we’re ready we fight back and that’s when we become unstoppable.

Yes, you too.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl