So it’s been a minute, and I thought since it has, I’d take some time to answer some questions that have been rolling around in my head or online for a while. Some of these I’ve answered before, some I haven’t, but let’s dig into it, shall we?
Who Are You?
I am Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
What is Loud Mouth Brown Girl?
In 2017 I was arrested for having a panic attack and called a loudmouth brown bitch, by a white cop who cuffed me, pushed me into a wall, kicked and smacked me around before dragging me into an ambulance where I was taken to a hospital and diagnosed with a panic attack due to PTSD.
I took the name and told the cop I would “Make it the most famous mental health brand in the world, for Black girls who need help.” I wasn’t wrong; I am still headed in that direction.
Is this an anti-rape site?
It’s a site devoted to sharing my journey as I unwravel decades worth of trauma, caused by men who knew better than to harm a child, but did so anyway, thinking they would get away with it. You’ll find my podcasts, interviews, shop, and all kinds of stories about my adventures here.
Why Speak Out?
Because my abusers – and this is a very real reason – had a timeline for when they were going to abuse me. Including the last time I was raped, they have stuck very close to that timeline, I am trying to ensure that what happened to me dozens of times already, never happens again.
I was abused for decades by the same people. Some of them were just children when it started, others were teachers, Priests, doctors, dentists, and basically any man with a pulse who thought it was a good idea to traffic a child.
I kept the secrets for almost thirty eight years, but eventually I had to tell someone because I was exploding. I was falling a part, I found out my counselor that I’d been seeing for three months and found on fucking Google was there the night I was gang raped. I found out he was deeply connected to gangsters but no one believes me.
Like many survivors before me, I am only just beginning the journey of telling my story and letting it all out so that it can’t continue to happen again and again to more innocent girls and women in Surrey BC.
Why Cannabis?
Over the last eight years, I’ve discovered that cannabis doesn’t actually help me deal with the things that are holding me back. All it really does is put a lid on the problems, so I don’t actively have to face them every single hour and moment of the day. The help it provides is immeasurable. I can’t tell you how much weed I smoke because it’s a lot, but what I can say is that I personally wouldn’t be here without it. I also have really great doctors who understand that I am barely getting by and that cannabis keeps me sane enough to focus and do the minimum I’m capable of. So that’s why.
Why not drink?
Eight years ago, I seriously thought about it. But I knew then what I know now, if I had used alcohol back then to cope, the way I use cannabis now, I would not have recovered to this point. I would only have sunk further into my depression, anxiety, and fear. I do enjoy the occasional drink, but I’ve seen what addiction does, and I just never want to let it control me with alcohol the way it does with weed.
What Else?
I am Black and English, Irish, Scottish, and Romany (possibly). I am very proud to be who I am. I know that it took five separate nations to come together for me to exist, and that matters to me.
“In numerology, the number 5 represents change, adventure, freedom, and flexibility. It signifies a desire for new experiences, a love of freedom, and an ability to adapt to changing circumstances. People with the number 5 often possess traits like resourcefulness, curiosity, and a knack for problem-solving” – Google
I respect numerology because people much smarter than I, are the people who discovered and created the art form that we now often use to navigate this world. I also respect that if it could exist, it probably does, in forms I’ve never even thought of conceiving, so I don’t judge folks for their gender identity, race, color, creed, nationality, (Except Israeli government officials,), size, or orientation.
And the reason I don’t judge people is much bigger than on a “I believe in the universe kind of way.” It’s because I was taught as a child, that you treat people the way you want to be treated. And so not always, but often, I do try to do that. I don’t always get it right, but I do try to understand everyone has a different path and journey. They also have different eyes and see the world in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend.
And so every opportunity, every lesson, every experience matters. Whether it’s me, you, or the girl down the street who won’t even look at you. Every voice, every story matters to the over all web that is this universe.
Whether you believe in God or not, I can honestly say that I have died. I’ve been murdered. Only to be brought back by the same men who killed me, so they could continue their nefarious deeds upon my body and soul.
I came back different. I am not the same person I was when I was victimized. I am angrier, more shattered, and I haven’t yet finished putting all the pieces back together, so I’m not the most presentable person in the world right now.
In the years since I started this website, I lost a dear friend and a man who was like a father to me in ways my real father and stepfather never could have been. I have lost so many people that I care about that I’ve lost count of the sheer number of people who have died or faded away.
But that doesn’t change the fact that those folks are still an integral part of my story. If at any time you came to me at an event and got one of my now-famous Love Letters from Siddha and Little, know that when those letters were written, every single word was meant.
I’m not done yet either. I have a lot of work to do before I can get to the United Nations and tell them my story and I am just getting started. Are you with me?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 