That doesn’t mean it won’t get done tomorrow. I know that sounds so fucking cliche, but it’s true. If you can’t get it done today, try again tomorrow, and keep trying, because giving up is no longer an option.
We don’t give up around here, even on days when we feel like we fucking can’t give to the world, we give to ourselves instead. We’ve decided giving up isn’t in our best interest, right?
That’s absolutely correct.
I know I sound like a positively toxic jackass, but that’s because I’ve decided and when I decide to do something, I absolutely finish when I start.
I’m pretty angry because something happened that meant I didn’t get what I was supposed to, and now I have to find a work around to get what belongs to me. I hate that. I hate that things are so much more difficult for me than they are for other people, but at the same time, it just pushes me to be more creative.
I’ve learned from my mom and from the other women in my life, that I am not alone. It took me a really long time to see that, and while I still hold plenty of resentments for choices my mom made when I was growing up, for the time being, I am forced to let them go, so I can get from one day to the next.
Secretly I hate that. I want some acknowledgment about what was done to me, I want to feel validated. I want my abusers to go to prison, I want to sleep at night without worrying someone is going to break into my fucking room. And since I can’t do those things, I am still in survival mode.
Every day in my life is different, but not every day is easy. A lot of the time I spend my days just in complete shock about what I experienced, just to get to this place. Yes, it’s beautiful, but it’s not a place I would choose to be, if I had choices.
I feel like I am one of those rare folks who didn’t really have choices throughout their lives, now I do, and now I have a plan, but in order for that plan to take place, I have to heal my fucking ankle. I feel like I’m ready, but my body is telling me I am absolutely not.
Walking isn’t easy and if walking isn’t easy then neither is standing. I need to be able to stand to do my job, for hours on end.
That’s not negotiable, but what is is what I am going to be doing in the future. I haven’t said this out loud to anyone other than my closest friends but I really want to work in a cannabis store. I very much want to work in an independent store, specifically because I want to learn the ropes from someone who knows the business, and is invested in it personally.
I don’t really care about the idea of working in a government store, but if that’s what I can get I’ll take that too. I just really am truly excited about learning more about cannabis, and how the industry works. I want to do a good job and I want to help folks find the strains that they believe will work the best to heal whatever ails them.
I love the idea of working in retail, and I know that sounds strange, but the truth is I do love people. I know – who would have thought, but I always have. They have such interesting stories, and they are so fascinating, everyone is so different in so many beautiful ways. I love talking to folks and hearing about their experiences and sharing mine.
I know there are a lot of rules around working in a shop, but that’s why I want to work in one, because I want to help mould the community and the industry from the ground up. I have a lot to learn, I just need to find someone willing to teach me.
These days I’m finding that having a broken ankle is more of a challenge than I like, but it’s also given me the opportunity to see what I am capable of. Disability sucks, there’s no getting around that, but it especially sucks when you’ve been physically free your whole life.
When you know what it feels like to live without disability, it can be even more mentally and emotionally challenging to come back from injury, but coming back is exactly what I am doing.
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who wanted to challenge myself just to see what I am capable of, but that’s because I’ve never been given the chance to be myself before.
My greatest fear is that this version of myself is going to vanish and I am going to go back to being the girl Angel wanted me to be. I hate that man with every fiber in my being, specifically because I was everything he wanted me to be, and it still wasn’t enough. He fed me to the wolves like a piece of meat and gave zero fucks about what he did that night.
All of my abusers got away with the most evil of crimes and I am here picking up the pieces. I don’t want to lose the pieces of me that I just found, because I love this person. I love this person who is excited for tomorrow, who is excited to build, and work and to become. Why on earth would I want to give that up for anything?
No, it might not get done today, but there is always tomorrow…finally.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 