Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I miss going to the gym, I miss working out, and I miss feeling the tiredness in my bones from a decent workout. I never, ever, thought, I would be the kind of person who loves physical activity because I was never good in the gym as a child. I was high ADHD, and I didn’t know how to focus, so team sports weren’t great for me, and individual sports just didn’t appeal to me.

As an adult I love working out, and it’s not even the weight loss, that’s neither here nor there, I’ve never been overly concerned with how my body looks because I’ve never seen myself as the kind of beauty “I” want to be.

When I was growing up, well you know, there were too many men doing too many adult things to me, for me to be able to swim through it all in a healthy way.

Yesterday I gave away the last of my booze, no more alcohol in the house, and that felt like a really good decision, largely because I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in almost eight months, but I decided yesterday, February 7th, is my official “Clean” date.

It’s the last time I let myself think about drinking, and the reasons for it aren’t because I am an alcoholic. In the past I have struggled with drinking, at times ordering four drinks at a time just so I could be sure I’d have one in front of me.

Now I don’t even think about drinking. Since I started smoking cannabis eight years ago, my intake of alcohol has dropped to nothing. I don’t sip at church, not that I go to church, I don’t sip at home. I don’t have friends who drink, both S and C are sober, Aims is sober, Lady H is also sober as is her partner, and so I just don’t feel the need to be constantly “on” all the time.

When I do hang out with my “Gardening” friends, we talk about life, trauma, healing, the future, we laugh, we enjoy each other’s company, and we make memories that will last a life time because we’re not drinking ourselves into a stupor every time we hang out.

We’re fully aware and cognizant of the time that we’re spending together, and we deliberately choose to be together, when we feel like sharing our company.

No one stresses if someone doesn’t answer the phone, we all understand that everyone has busy lives, and we respect each other’s privacy and time.

It’s a fascinating place to be, because I only ever had friends that drank and smoked together, I’ve never had friends that were alcohol sober, while still smoking cannabis, and I love it.

There’s so little judgment, on this side of the road.

I feel at peace here, with my decisions, with my choices, with the options that I have.

I know that there are many folks out there who think I made the wrong choice eight years ago, to not “Wake up” on other people’s terms, but I knew, that the only way I was ever going to be free, is if I said no to anything and everything that I wasn’t prepared to deal with yet.

Anyone who wasn’t interested in waiting for me to get ready was free to go, and now that they have, I feel lighter. I feel like I am done living a life where I need to tell lies to cover all the secrets I no longer have to hide.

I no longer need to tell stories to make up for all the reasons that I am behaving in ways other folks are noticing.

For the first time in my life I have stability, calm, peace, and I am worried about what comes next. I’m not worried the abusers will come back, I’ll never go through that again.

But I am worried that I won’t live up to all the expectations that y’all have on me. I am afraid that after eight years I am no further ahead now then I was when I started, but I am no longer worried that I am on the right path.

Thanks to all of you, I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl