Loud Mouth Brown Girl

The more that I talk about what’s happened to me, outside of the digital world, the more that I am feeling…triggered, by my own thoughts and actions.

I’m still not drinking, which I am very proud of, but I am starting to recognize, that the reason I am not drinking, is because drinking brought out the weakest parts of me.

When I decided to smoke cannabis eight years ago now, I did not automatically decide I was also going to quit drinking.

I didn’t decide to stop drinking until last year, and it wasn’t even a conscious choice, I just stopped drinking, and woke up one day and decided I didn’t want it anymore.

I have a bottle of Vodka, and a couple of mixed can drinks in my fridge that have been there since last summer, and I don’t even know why I have them. My closest friends don’t drink, but together we all smoke weed, and I guess I just decided I didn’t need both.

The Cannabis helps with my mental health by calming down my anxiety, and allowing me to focus on the things I want to get done, like writing, cleaning, hanging with friends. Which is pretty much all I do these days since I broke my ankle.

I’ve been making TikTok videos about the importance of friendship, celebrating the people who lift me up is very important to me. It’s important, in fact it’s fucking IMPERATIVE, that the people I love, know that I love them.

When I was being abused, I was so hyperfocused on being what my abusers wanted and needed me to be, just so it would hurt less, just so that I didn’t have to focus on what was being done to me. The fact that they drugged me helped, but it also took so much of my life away from me.

This year I want to have the adventures of a lifetime, I want to go to the woods and burn stuff, I want to scream at the moon, I want to dance under the stars, I want to be free, to be myself, without worry that my abusers are going to come back and haunt me.

That being said, I know that with this project I am working on, a huge spotlight is going to be put on what was done to me, and I am fully aware that I am doing this to myself.

I am told that I need to choose between my mental health, and building this spotlight on child abuse, but I don’t think that’s true. I think that I can put a huge spotlight on Child Abuse in Canada, while taking care of myself at the same time.

But but but but but, I am fully aware that if I am going to fight the battle of Child Abuse in Canada, I need to make sure that I AM taking care of my mental health.

That means taking breaks when I need them, it means reminding myself that although I am getting READY to take the next step, I am not right this second, ready to leap into the future.

But I’m getting there. I am feeling better than I have in years, even with a broken ankle, I can’t wait to get back into the gym, and I can’t wait to go back to reminding myself that I fucking deserve, to be celebrated, loved, and adored, by the people who choose to do so.

I’m excited for the future, and I know that whether I am curled in a ball screaming and crying, or jumping into the role of The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, I am doing everything I can.

You can only do, what you can do, when you are capable of doing it, and anyone asking you to do more than you are capable of handling, is just there to sabotage you and your best interests.

I got this, and so do you.

Sending all my love,