Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Childhood ADHD is very different than adulthood ADHD. While I don’t know the science behind why it’s different, I saw a story today about a reporter doing a story on ADHD only to find out that she too, has the diagnosis. So I thought I’d talk about my experience so that you might get the help you need if you seek answers.

I was diagnosed originally with ADHD when I was five years old. Now, to be fair I was a loud, rambunctious, active, child, who couldn’t sit still to save my life. I struggled deeply with knowing when to speak, how to speak, and what to say because for years I was consistently told that everything that came out of my mouth was offensive, wrong, and inaccurate.

By ten years old I had been on Ritalin, Dexidrin, and Adderall, but none of these worked. Dexidrin caused such massive eating issues, that I still struggle 30 years later, to get my diet where it should be, so that I am as healthy as I can be.

As a kid, I resented taking the medication, often because of the way it was presented. “Do it or die” wasn’t really the best way – and still isn’t the best way, to introduce medication to your children. My mom didn’t talk to me about feelings or emotions, so I didn’t know I was allowed to have any, so all I really had was anger and resentment.

The medication made me feel off. I could barely speak, and I barely ate – I either threw it away, threw it up or hid it, and often times mom had no idea that I was sick all the time with anemia because I wasn’t eating. Mom was yesterday years old when she found that I struggle to read.

As an adult however I am ready to accept help, and I no longer feel like the stigma of the diagnosis affects me. As a child, I was convinced I was just an artsy kid who would rather write or draw than pay attention in class. As an adult, I am finding that I struggle with everyday tasks.

As an adult, I understand that ADHD isn’t as embarrassing as I thought it was as a kid. It’s something that hinders my ability to concentrate and focus and doesn’t allow me the space I need to heal on days when I can’t function at all.

As an adult I’ve found coping mechanisms that help me navigate daily life, but here’s the thing:

I don’t have kids, a partner, or anyone to lean on, so while I often joke that I “don’t have those problems,” I also don’t have a partner to hold me up on days when I can’t get everything done, which means I have to depend on myself and that scares me because I am trying to go back to work.

It’s difficult when you have ADHD and you don’t have a support system to surround you with love, but I am lucky that I do have a support system that constantly and consistently reminds me I am loved and cherished, not everyone has that, and I think that’s what has changed the game for me this time.

Many of the doctors I was forced to see as a child, didn’t bother to take into consideration that I was a growing child living with serious PTSD and trauma and that’s because they didn’t know. Back then they didn’t know – and were not taught – what signs to look for when it comes to child abuse.

They were taught to look to the obvious signs:

• Behavioral changes
• bruises
• random scars
• drug use
• sleeplessness
• sleeping too much

They weren’t taught to look at the signs that I lived with like not eating, lying all the time, sneaking out of the house at night all the time because being outside was safer than being in my own bed.

As an adult, I can focus by deliberately not focusing too hard, if that makes sense. If I need to step away from an essay or an article for a moment, I can do that now and come back to finish it later.

Whereas before I had to get every single word out often without thinking about what I was saying, now I deliberately take my time and actually think about what I want to say before I say it. And that includes verbally.

I am more quiet these days than I’ve ever been in my life before and often it’s just because I don’t have anything constructive to add.

My friends let me be loud, and they let me be quiet, and they let me be myself. But more importantly than what my friends give me permission to be and do, is that I give myself permission to exist without shame, fear, or guilt, about how I got here, but pride because at least I got here.

The good thing about getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult is that you’re better able to understand what the options are and you have at least – in some cases hopefully – the autonomy to choose what you want to do with the information the doctor gives you.

As a child you go along to get along, I think a lot of children – far too many – spend their formative years in a place just trying to survive the emotional war zone that is growing up with parents who have no idea what they are doing because to be fair, I don’t think any parents know what they are doing.

It’s a bit like having an alien in your home for eighteen years, some parents make a genuine effort, but others just drown under the pressure. I recognize that now and while I am still angry about it I am no longer bitter.

I understand my mom has her own trauma and I never did before. I never once considered how life must be for her, because I was too busy worrying about myself and my brother. But as I get older I am starting to think about what I need and want for the future and I am starting to realize that what I want mostly is just to give to my mom who through all her mistakes, did her absolute best to love me.

That’s all we kids can really ask for, we may see cracks, mistakes, and missteps, but our parents just try. Not all of them, some of them are vampires that suck the lives out of their own children, but for the average group of us whose parents tried…just know I see you.

In conclusion, I don’t think having ADHD is the terrible life-altering “disease” I thought it was when I was a kid, but at the end of the day, only time will tell.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall