Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Outside your:

• mother
• father
• sister
• cousin
• uncle
• friends
• allies
• fans
• followers
• children
• partners

Who the fuck are you?

I don’t have these problems, children, partners, men, or dogs, it feels like I have no problems right now in comparison to my friends who are struggling in their own ways to balance all the things.

I am not on a tight wire, I do not have to balance my issues and problems. I have time and energy, and most importantly space, to work on the issues that have been holding me back for years. I have space.

None of my friends have this. Each of them is struggling in their own way with their own stuff, and I am sitting here constantly saying “I just don’t have these problems,” I am not bragging about the fact that I don’t share similar issues with my friends. I am fucking complaining, I have no frame of reference so that I can help them sort through their shit.

So all I do is listen like a fucking dope, and then I remember I am in a space of transition, and healing.

One day I very much have the problems that come with having a spouse and children, and so I am learning from my friends, who say things like “I want us to fight the world together, instead of fight against each other for the world” do you know how wise that shit is? It’s brilliant.

I don’t want to fight the world, but I do want to achieve success, I want to build a community of support for patients with mental health issues. I know what I want, and I have a vague idea of how to get there, but what I don’t know is if I can handle more than what I have.

Inside the church, they will tell you until the end of time, that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. It’s a quote you learn at birth and it stays with you until you die, it’s supposed to bring you comfort, it’s supposed to make you think that some unknown entity in the sky has faith in you, so you should have faith in yourself too.

But no one tells you what it feels like to be intimidated by yourself. I know what I survived to get here, I know what I put myself through, and I know what they put me through. I know what I was willing to give up to survive, and I am damned aware, in every fiber of my entire being, what it took to get “here.”

I am a fighter.

I am strong.

I am powerful.

But that isn’t to say that I wanted to be all of these things.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a mother, I wanted to be a partner, I wanted to be a wife, I wanted all the things all little girls are supposed to want. But outside of abuse and trauma, I am fiercely independent and because I’ve been abused so many times by so many people, I struggle to make the kinds of connections that breed romance.

I have absolutely zero interest in romance because I don’t trust anyone who would want to be with someone who has been as traumatized as I have been. Phobia of commitment is a real thing that I genuinely struggle with.

What I am interested in, is getting to know the person I became when I lost my soul for a little while. Day by day I feel parts of myself coming back together, tainted and abused parts, but parts of me nonetheless. Parts that I need, so that I can keep building whatever this is about to turn into.

Who am I? I am Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, a proud non-binary woman, who believes that every Brown and Black girl in the world, deserves to win. Peace, love, joy, happiness, wealth, strength, power, love, hope, friendship and sisterhood. These are what I want for my sistas around the world.

And so I continue to track my mental health and to share stories that I hope resonate with women who deserve to know their stories matter.

I hope to encourage folks – especially non-binary and women folks – to share their own stories, to create websites, brands, and story platforms that show the world how hard it’s been for you, and how far you have come.

I want every girl in every part of the world to win.

But as the days go on, and the hours go by, more and more I start to think about all the girls I left behind when I moved out of Surrey. Not just in Surrey, but around the world.

Behind me are the bones of millions of girls and women who fought so that I could be as free as I am today. Who fought so that I would learn one day I am not alone.

I think that’s one of the only reasons I haven’t killed myself to this point by choice.

I think the reason I am here, is to learn, and to teach in equal measure, that by working together, we can change the patterns of the past, so they never happen to the future again.

Now my question to you, is who are you? Tell me in the comments, I’d love to get to know you better.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl