I’ve been struggling deeply with my mental health. For decades I lived in a state of isolated denial, pretending that the memories I saw were just nightmares made up of no rhyme or reason.
The truth is dark.
You know this by now because you’ve been reading my work for seven years. My experience has been dark, but I am still here.
One of the things that I’ve been struggling with is setting boundaries not just with other people, places, things, and social media, but with myself.
For years I was afraid to touch myself because I equated masturbation with acceptance of what was done to me. But recently I decided “Fuck that.” Giving myself pleasure does not also equal me being okay with what was done to me.
For years my brain would remind me of what was done to me, as a way to build a wall against self-pleasure, because what was done to me was so truly and deeply damaging, that I had to unwind the trauma, to deal with it, before I am comfortable being naked with my own self.
Seven years ago I started showering in the dark because I didn’t want to see my body, but I told the world it was about turning my shower time into spa time. That was truly part of it, but not all of it.
I struggle to look at the scars on my body. I have recent ones that have nothing to do with abuse and everything to do with being clumsy, but the majority of my scars are reminders that I gave myself so I wouldn’t forget having just been abused.
It was a categorical reminder of what was done to me. Get abused, get a new scar.
Eventually, I turned to tattoos because although they also represent being abused, they mostly represent having survived serious bouts of trauma, PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
Now I’m in a much healthier place, and I honestly believe that it’s in large part due to moving away from where I used to live. Which was in all honesty, only a few blocks from the strip club where my abusers hung out.
Knowing that my doctors don’t believe my particular tale of woe is frustrating, but it doesn’t make healing impossible. It just encourages me to get back to the place where I can take care of myself and I don’t need doctors telling me who to be.
I fully believe that having mental health issues doesn’t have to be the end of your life, it’s a bump in the road, and if you fight – if you decide to surround yourself with those who will always have your back – if you stay strong – if you refuse to give up even when you feel like you should – if you do all the things you can and then keep pushing, you can get through.
It fucks sucks.
It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it’s hard, but it’s not impossible to heal the spirit after trauma.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 