Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Yeah me either. I mean I started saying no when I started this website, but I don’t think I’ve fully conceptualized the fact that I am allowed to say no, until today.

It’s Sunday and I am not hanging with friends, I am having a lazy day where I sleep in, I might make myself some lunch in a little bit, but mostly I am getting stoned and trying to find ways to convince you to buy my new book. (You really should, it’s amazing)

But I’m also having a day where certain people, whom I love with all my heart, are going through some shit, and they’ve shared that shit with me.

Without talking about it, I’ll say that it’s reminded me, that I’m allowed to say “no.” It’s called setting a boundary and my whole life no one told me this was true.

I think 40 years old is too old to be told that you’re allowed to say no. We should start these conversations at ten, and five, and as early as kids can conceptualize what makes them feel uncomfortable.

I have a neighbor whose kids don’t particularly like when I poke their sides and tickle them, so I’ll do it once, and as soon as they say “no please stop,” I stop, and I remind them it’s purely because they said “no stop.” I want them to understand their safe with me, (I only do it when I have permission it’s not a harassment thing,), but I also want them to know I’ll totally respect their bodies and their personal space.

It’s a respect thing, I never had that growing up, people would just grab and touch me and even when I was comfortable with them they took it too far. So I stopped being comfortable around adults.

I have a very small circle of people I talk to today but the cool thing about our circle is the fact that we all give each other space.

Don’t get me wrong. We love the time that we spend together, but the reason the time we have together matters is because we give each other space to go do our own thing every now and then.

Without resentment or fear. When one of us has a good day the others are comfortable enough with each other to be happy for them. It’s healthy and beautiful. We go on adventures together, and sometimes we just sit and talk. Othertimes we just sit and don’t say a word, it’s comfortable around these people.

Lots of the reason why is that we’re all in a space of healing. Sure we’re on different paths and we probably won’t be in each other’s lives forever (yes we will), but for right now we’re being the kinds of people we needed when we were growing up and didn’t have.

The relationships you have as you get older will change. They’ll become more respectful, more mature, and more healthy as you decide that this is what you want. But you have to decide it’s what you want, and you have to work at it.

I grew up in a wonderful time because although I was being abused a lot, I had lots of women in my 20s and 30s who reminded me that it wasn’t my fault so I don’t carry guilt from my abusers.

I know what they did was their choice and they get what they deserve. My part in their story is irrelevant. I could have been anyone, and they still would have made the choices they made.

Now I look around my world and I see young girls hearing that they can say no and being empowered instead of shadowed by what they went through, and I finally feel like I’m not alone.

For years when I was writing this blog, I was convinced that even though I knew you were listening, you couldn’t possibly fathom the abuse and the trauma I’ve experienced. I know better now.

I know there are people who won’t shy away from my scars as if my scars make them uncomfortable. I have friends who understand that I need a safe space to be, and they are choosing to be that, because I need them, and they’ve decided I’m worthy of being around.

It feels pretty good.

But what doesn’t is the crushing fear that anything or anyone from my past might come back to destroy it all. I hope that doesn’t happen but I’ve lived this story before. No one gets out alive.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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If you’d like to read more of Devon’s work, check them out in the following publications.

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