Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Fundamentalist Christianity, Cultism, and Gangs are all three major things that hate this world, that I have survived.

Whether you believe me or not is fucking irrelevant, I am going to continue writing as if you do, because God damn it, I survived that shit. Repeatedly, for decades, without help.

I was weird and crazy because I was traumatized, and my weirdness was my way of expressing what happened to me. The night winds are a favorite friend of mine because when I had no one to hear me, I had the winds at night when I would go on adventures by myself because walking alone at night was the only way I could stay safe from the shadow men.

I have options today that I didn’t have in my old place. I am waiting for an okay from my new medical team, and then I am going to make a decision about my future. It may or may not involve going back to school.

I am for the first time in my life, in a TRUE place of healing and it feels amazing. I am cleaning every single day instead of writing every day, I am putting effort into creating a home for myself, in this beautiful space.

I am trying not to degrade this experience by saying I don’t deserve it, because although I made a lot of mistakes, I survived a lot. I deserve some time to heal my old wounds and make room for new greatness to fill my life.

I want you to believe that about yourself too. I also understand the words “I Can’t” better than anyone I know.

For years I couldn’t get off my ass to heal. I couldn’t I tried, it was just too hard. I was being triggered every single day, and I couldn’t explain why I was being triggered, it wasn’t until I lost my mind that I started to feel more like myself. Which is a really sad statement about the way I was treated growing up.

I will never forget, nor forgive those who could have helped me and stood by to do nothing, but I also won’t let my fear of those people hold me back anymore.

I am going to do great things, and I am going to enjoy not treating people like shit on my way to wherever it is I am going.

I got confused – genuinely so – recently, because this “space of healing,” is really new, and anything new is uncomfortable, but I am starting to remember why I started this blog and that’s helping to bring me back down to earth a little bit.

Every day is different, and some days I’m bored out of my skull, but then I realize it’s because it’s a day that I get to just do whatever I want, so taking a nap, a hot bath, or doing my nails and watching a comforting show helps.

I’m excited about the future again, and I just wanted to say thanks. For listening.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

If you’d like to read more of Devon’s work, check them out in the following publications.

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