Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Yesterday I wrote about my crippling inability to make decisions with ease or Decision Paralysis, and today I realize as I look around at the people in my life, no one I know struggles with this. And I am curious as to how the fuck that happened.

But then in the writing of this essay, I know precisely how my inability to make decisions happened. It all started with one that I made this month, almost ten or more years ago.

******TRIGGER WARNING****** Before you read any further please note that this essay contains real stories of real abuse that may cause harm to your psyche. Please read with caution.

The last time I made a big decision it was to leave a bar, and the next thing I know, I was being hurt by many, many, many men.

That night changed my life, it changed me to my core. For months I had to pretend nothing happened, then I had to face my abusers, which went about as well as a wet potato landing on a hot stone.

Then I unraveled, completely. My brain lost itself, and the whole story came out, if I could have changed the way that happened I absolutely would not.

Let’s get real honest here, every woman in the world needs a moment where they have the absolute unmitigated gall, to go completely insane, and that was my moment, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Because as hard as all that shit was, getting to that place where the story spilled out against my will, without me having any control, meant that for the first time in my life, someone knew what was done to me.

Even if they didn’t believe me, that was irrelevant, I didn’t need them to believe me, I needed them to know. So that if they did come back and end my life, at least some people would know I died for a reason.

I was very careful when I first brought my story to the light, and I am not talking about when I went crazy, I am talking about after. I made sure that if anything did happen to me, people knew why, and who, but then I got and still am very fucking angry.

Not just because my abusers are still out there, but because I am getting letters from their fucking supporters, threatening to sue me, telling me what’ll happen if I don’t keep my mouth shut and on and on and on. To protect any future proceedings, I am not posting them here, but they are safe.

I am angry, not just at you fucking idiot adult humans who are sitting there going “Well she’s accusing him of being a pedophile, and even though I’ve seen shit that points to it being true, I think I’ll still back this horse,” like are y’all for real?

Surrey BC is filled with rape gangs, and noone is talking about it, because it doesn’t happen in Surrey, it happens in North Delta, but the abusers all live in Surrey and the cops nine years later have done absolutely nothing to stop it.

What happened to all those anti-gang programs? I guess that went away when you had that paid “expert” shill himself out to CTV to say “Gangs don’t use violence” which we all know is bullshit.

If that were true the Bishnoi group wouldn’t be known as a) a gang, and b) now a terrorist group.

Like let’s be for fucking real, y’all have a serious gang problem in British Columbia and no one is addressing it, but when women like myself come forward you call us crazy and gaslight us into silence so you can continue being comfortable, while surrounding yourself with…rapists.

The

Math

Is

Mathing

In

Disgusting

Ways.

“False Memory Syndrome,” is a wildly debunked theory that was created by a man who was a doctor, that molested, raped, and abused his own daughter for decades, before coming up with the theory using all of his counterparts in the medical world to back his theory, to protect himself, from being charged, which he ultimately was. He was also convicted, and sent to prison where his disgusting ass belongs.

You think I haven’t done my homework? You think I haven’t tried to rationalize, excuse, pretend, and lie to myself? The fuck you think made me go crazy in the first fucking place?! I spent decades pretending it didn’t happen, while simultaneously finding ways to scar my body so I wouldn’t really forget, only to be forced to remember it all the fuck any God damned ways.

I didn’t “make up” a story of being raped by every rapist in BC just so that I could make a name for myself, like this shit isn’t fun. It’s not “Fun” having random strangers send me threats, or ask me if I am okay in the street as if I am going to pour my entire heart out to these faceless, nameless, readers, I’ve never met before just because they read my blog.

I started this site to save my life, I keep writing it so that the people who are helping me stay alive, know I’m alive without having to open themselves to investigation by contacting me. Like I’m not fucking stupid, I’m writing “this” so you will all get fucked.

I’m not afraid of rapists. I’ve been raped my whole life, if it happens again it’ll just be another fucking Thursday, what I am AFRAID of, is it happening to OTHER girls, who aren’t me, who don’t have my skills, my protection, and my love of petty revenge.

I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, so let me kindly remind you, if you’re using drugs that you’re getting from the street, and if being a part of a gang means that as a requirement you have to rape girls, you should probably get into fucking rehab, and stop using God damned drugs, and hanging with “Gangsters.”

Gangs today don’t have the same rules they had fifty years ago, not even fifteen years ago. Fifty years ago grown men raping children would have been blown to Kingdom Come, they would have been murdered, there were rules about what you did to children.

But people today, *waves hand around the world* don’t give two fucks about the rules of society, they don’t care about protecting kids, *points to Sudan and Congo*, they don’t care about keeping children safe, *Points to America cancelling the fucking morning breakfast program in state after state.* Kids today are expected to “Figure it out,” on their own, and when they do, when they do shit like oh I don’t know, take on the UN by going to Gaza not once but twice, then they are called entitled, crazy, selfish, antisemitic.

Like make it fucking make sense, YOU said we had potential, YOU said we could do anything we wanted, and then YOU as adults slowly stomped the life out of us just because you could and now you’re shocked that half the “Work force” is in the Downtown East Side just waiting to die?! Give me a fucking break.

MY story isn’t even half as bad as some of the stories lived on the Downtown East Side, or in Whalley, BC. My story isn’t nearly as bad as a kid who was tied to a bannister with his younger brother and beaten for three days just because they missed a single day of school.

Or the other kid whose father killed the mom, and then buried her in the basement.

Like this shit happened to us as children, and because it did, we end up having to “Deal” with the resulting fucking trauma, often on our own, because there isn’t enough FUNDING for programs that would help people like us.

There is 1 just ONE organization that works with women who have been tortured, (like me,) and they ONLY work with women who come from OTHER countries, because women such as myself, don’t qualify for their services under their legal mandate.

So that means the WOMEN counselors who have the kind of training that women and non-binary people such as myself need, can’t be accessed because those counselors work for this organization that won’t accept me as a client because of their funding strategy.

I am not afraid I am angry. I am angry that when we are forced to finally come forward, often because not coming forward may mean death or worse, more abuse, we are forced to speak to UNTRAINED cops, who ask stupid ass fucking questions like “Did you enjoy it?” Or “Are you sure it happened that way?”

If you want to fund the fucking police, then make them listen to us. Make them hear the victims and survivors of sections like GANGS so they know what they are dealing with because who better to know your enemy, than their enemy?

Duh.

Sending all my what the fucks to Surrey BC and their lack of transparency and action on gang activity,

Devon J Hall,