Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Like, while being sober?

Who the fuck are you superheros who manage to pay bills, take care of kids and partners, and take care of yourselves, like are you okay?

So many of you are working your way through life without stopping to deal with the trauma that’s holding you back and I am telling you now, it’s going to kill you.

This is specifically why I think rapists should be charged with attempted murder, because life after rape can be a slow death, if you let it.

You have to fight with everything inside of you, and often outside of you, to prevent yourself from being dead after rape, and honestly, it’s the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do.

Someone in my past recently got married, and while it irks me that he gets to go off and live his life after he hurt me, it makes me think that if douchbags can find hope and love, maybe I can too?

Too many people know what happened to me, and while I appreciate the silence in that it gave me time to heal, now it’s time to get to work and change laws in Canada and British Columbia, so that what happened to me, never happens again.

I remember the night the cops caught my rapists trying to break in, and I remember hearing them ask my mom if anyone in the house was hurt, and I remember her saying no. I also remember wanting to scream YES at the top of my lungs, because they had no idea what secrets I held. They didn’t even know to ask.

There are verifiable rape gangs in Canada, and they are causing harm on a literally untold scale.

I wasn’t when I first started Loud Mouth Brown Girl, ready to be the face of child abuse. I was too busy trying to be a survivor. But I realize now that being a survivor doesn’t majickally mean that you are healed.

It means that you had to fight for your freedom with everything you had, and that often means coming forward so that if anything happens to you, the cops know where to look.

Too many victims are forced to use the internet to protect themselves, because they can’t trust the people in their community, let alone the cops.

We as survivors need to band together, and I don’t mean in the way that the women of the Women’s March have supported each other, by neglecting the women who need them the most.

I want to see all women, LGBTQ2S+NB, Disabled, Black, Brown, Indigenous, and yes even Sex Workers, working together for a better world. And if that means excluding the women who would rather tear our rooms apart than join us, then so be it.

I’m not about letting everyone into my circle anymore, largely because I’ve had huge circles of friends before, and they burned me in literal ways that I can’t fully comprehend today.

I want to see ALL women get the rewards they deserve for existing in a world that was built by those who were enslaved, for the smallest number of people among us.

It’s an exhausting world, but we as a collective can be a part of changing things. This year I have big projects planned and while I won’t be doing #SurvivorsConnection again this year, I will be doing something much bigger and hopefully more exciting.

I am stoked for the future for the first time in my life, and I just want to stop and be grateful for that for a moment. For over seven years now, I’ve been working towards this year, towards the goal of actually being able to say “It gets better,” and having it be true.

Yes there are challenges, and yes there are struggles, and yes there are days when I don’t think I can face the world, but I also know that if I give up, many of the people counting on me not to give up, might also choose that choice.

It’s more than not wanting your blood on my hands, it’s the fear that if I don’t meet you here, I might not meet you on the other side of whatever comes next, and my goal this year, is to meet as many people as I possibly can.

I want to meet the whole wide world, I just gotta remember that what I want, can’t come ahead of what I need. Please help me to remember that life lesson.

Sending all my love,