Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I remember all the times I walked the earth alone because the people around me wanted nothing to do with me.

I remember every single time I was raped – and every single time an adult called it sex.

I remember every single time the cops showed up, and I got blamed.

I remember every single time the cops showed up and didn’t speak to me at all.

I remember all the hospital visits.

I remember the “intervention.”

I remember the lies the white men who raped me told so they could get away with rape and seven years later, here the fuck we are.

Seven years into my new brain, and I understand that what was done to me was an act of supremacy by white people that no one stopped because most people didn’t care it was happening.

They didn’t “Not see the signs” they chose not to see the signs so they wouldn’t have to help me. Teachers, doctors, lawyers, friends, allies, let me drown.

And when I came up for air, when I finally took a fresh breath there was no one around but me. I was alone, in a dark room, feeling safe for the first time in my life, safe until I realized the door was no longer locked. Safe until I realized I could leave.

And then I waited for the kind of death that no one wants to deal with, but everyone does. But it never came. Not the way that I expected. I remember looking up and seeing a shadow of a hood and sickle thinking “This is it, tonight’s the night,” but Death didn’t come that night either.

Seven years later and Death has chosen to stand beside me without forcing me to leave with Death, life has allowed me to breathe, more and more every day. It’s gotten better.

Sure it’s definitely gotten weirder too, but it’s gotten better. As I promised myself, and others, that it would. Not for every one of us, but for some of us life has gotten better.

So the only question that remains is…what’s next?

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl