Posts do not seem like a huge number to someone who isn’t a writer. However, when you consider how many words makeup one thousand, one hundred and seventy essays, I would say I’ve written about three more books on this here website.
But here I am, and it’s not the number of essays that I am celebrating, it’s all the changes made while writing these essays, that I am celebrating.
A year ago this week I was living in a hotel. I can’t remember precisely which hotel, I think the one downtown, but this year marks one year since I lived houseless, with my wheelchair-bound mother, where not even the shelters, could protect us from the harsh realities of our situation.
Now, a year later, I’m living in this beautiful apartment that I work at keeping clean every day and my life has completely changed. I am working at making changes, that are better for my future, but I have to tell you, I am also…absolutely terrified.
Healing is really scary because I’ve never done it before. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with myself. I don’t really have anyone pointing me in any specific direction, and the people in my life, God love them, have such vastly different problems, they don’t know how to relate and vice versa.
So what I am saying is I am floundering and I am afraid. I want to study for my cannabis stuff, but part of me knows that once I’m done the study part I have to do the practical part and that’s the part that has me stumped.
I can see the light beyond the tunnel for some of my problems, but for some of them I am completely in the dark. I haven’t – obviously – forgotten I was raped by more than a dozen men for more than a dozen years, but I am tired. I am tired of thinking about rape and trauma all the time and so I need to force myself to make changes.
Changing is hard. I wrote this in all three of my books. I talked about how making changes to the brain requires making changes to the body and how that can be uncomfortable. But I didn’t think that I would have to make more changes, I know laugh away but I thought I was done changing.
Turns out I haven’t even begun to peel back the layers of Devon J Hall.
Sending all my love,
-W-
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 