We all have a different method to maintain the madness we hide from the world.
This week I did my nails – they’re just glued on but I love having my nails be long and pretty again, even if it makes writing a little harder.
This time I am not doing it for anyone but myself. I am not doing it to fit in, or because other girls are doing it, I am doing it because as non-binary as I am, I am developing a new woman side of myself that I’ve never had the chance to explore on my own before.
For the first time in my life, I do not have abusive, territorial, clingy people, encouraging me to make decisions that are not best for my mental health.
I am surrounded by love in every corner of my life and while it feels amazing, I can easily become overwhelmed by it all.
It’s one thing to have friends, but it’s another to have friends you can fuck up with. The other day Lady A and I were talking and she was going through something and I snapped at her. It was the day of my birthday party and I made it about me, and I never do that, but because Lady A is a new friend she doesn’t know me well enough to know that the snap behavior was unusual for me.
I apologized, profusely, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt my friend. I am learning that even when it is supposed to be – and okay – to be about me, I still need to make room for it to be about others.
In my past life I was surrounded by selfish people. Myself included, we were not the greatest group of folks. We drank too much, did too many drugs, or not enough, and treated each other like we were disposable.
As a healing adult I have to remember that sometimes, I still have to put my needs aside to help those I claim to love. I am learning that I am not so great at making room for others.
I need peace and when people around me are not at peace, I become overwhelmed and so when I set time aside to focus on myself, I resent it being interrupted. It’s been normal, but unacceptable for me to treat my friends like their problems don’t matter.
I have to do better, and now that I know this side of me exists, I understand on such a deeper level why friendships with friends didn’t last in the past.
For too long I focused on doing and being who other folks want me to be, now though I am more comfortable reminding myself and others that the person they want me to be, isn’t the person I am suddenly going to become.
It is literally my job to make folks comfortable around those of us who live with deep-seeded trauma.
Which means even The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, needs to get over themselves sometimes.
Sending all my love
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 