Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Why yes random stranger sticking weird sticky things into my ear, I do have head trauma from severe and unlimited amounts of abuse due to sexual predators who are really fucking good at hurting people.

Wow!

I did not, in fact, say all that when I was asked the question, but you’re damned right when you wonder if I was thinking it because I absolutely was.

One of the cool new things about this new phase in my life is that I am finally getting the medical attention that I was denied for so many years.

I had all the signs, bruises, scars, moodiness, irritability, anxiety, and depression, I wouldn’t bath on time or take care of myself, for years…and still, no one noticed that what I was really doing was begging for anyone to notice, that something was very wrong.

Now my doctors are open with me about my trauma. The other day I went to a dermatology appointment and I had to explain that the rash I’ve been dealing with, for DECADES, only started after a bout of sexual abuse.

She explained – very kindly – to me that it was communicable, BUT, only through sexual activity, and it can be cleared up with are you ready for this – a fucking anti-biotic. Years of doctors ignoring my cries for help and all I need is an AB to get rid of this thing forever.

It can’t be passed on if you’re not having sex, because like, you have to touch skin to skin, but it’s just a rash, and it goes away. I’ve been so embarrassed and made to feel unclean and defeated by doctors in the past, and for some reason, these new doctors actually seem to give a fuck about me.

I want to cry because I am so happy, and because of that, I live with so much guilt because I know there are so many who are still struggling. That’s why I have to remind myself that I don’t work for myself anymore. I work for the girls who are looking for me.

So they can find me, and so they can see, that they can do it too.

A few days ago I was sitting on a bench on the corner with my Black sista friend, (I say this on purpose because it’s part of the story,) and all of a sudden I started laughing.

She asked me what was up and I said “My whole life living in BC I saw two Black women just sitting on a bench openly, and here I am, being the example.” She started to laugh too, because she understood, I’ve been without my Black family for far too long.

One of my biggest goals is to fly out to see my family, (okay let’s be honest, I’ll probably walk because no fucking way is this Black bitch getting on a plane again.), because there are so many members of our family that I have yet to meet. Both on my mom and my dad’s side.

I want to build a huge table around me. I never wanted that before. For so many years I resented the idea of family because mine was so twisted and miserable, but for the first time I am seeing examples of really happy and diverse kinds of families, and it’s really making me rethink a lot of how I see the world.

Short and sweet, I’m in a good place, thanks for sticking with me,

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl

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