Loud Mouth Brown Girl

That’s right. From now on, you’re only allowed to say good things about yourself.

I caught myself in the mirror in the elevator coming back upstairs from a smoke. I was about to say “I look so fat and ugly,” I hate my broken teeth. I hate that I’m overweight and that I am not as healthy as I should be, but I also know with a little hard work I can get there.

So instead of insulting myself, I said nothing.

My teeth are broken because I was abused and stopped being able to take care of myself. The teeth I have left are reminders that I fought back and won some of those battles.

My weight is due to truly believing for a while that if I were fat, maybe men would leave me alone. I don’t know if it worked, but for a little while I convinced myself it worked, and I stopped myself from dancing and singing the way I used to. I let my happiness go because I was afraid my happiness would attract more abusers.

In the past whenever I was happy, some man would come fuck it up by being sexually abrasive, abusive, or outrightly violent.

I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I genuinely felt like my world would collapse because suddenly here I was being abused again. Often by the same men who had abused me when I was a kid.

Only now they were older, wiser, and knew better, which meant they were choosing to be abusive to girls like me on purpose.

Insulting myself is a trauma response. It’s not that I genuinely think I am ugly, or that I don’t see the beauty in my scars, it’s that if I make myself small, maybe people will see me as less of a threat, and stop making me feel like I don’t belong.

Well, that stops now.

I am The Loud Mouth Brown Girl. I have every right to take up space, I have a right to be involved, to speak my mind, to stand up for myself, and to say “no” when someone crosses the line.

Recently I cut a friend out of my life because they expected me to care about their boundaries, but they had no respect for mine. Ya cut, ya out, bye-bye bye, you no longer exist in my life.

My boundaries keep me safe, protect me from harm, and allow me to live my fullest life. Part of setting boundaries is learning to set them with yourself too.

Setting a vocal boundary with myself about what I am allowed to say and how I am allowed to treat myself, will teach me to teach others, how they are expected to treat me, in a way that isn’t all yelling and loud. In a way that’s calm, respectful, and if I so choose, inviting.

I’m learning.

It’s a process. There are a lot of bad habits I need to un-learn, like yelling when I am angry, although I recognize it’s a defense mechanism, it can sometimes be a frustrating and annoying defense mechanism that annoys me as well as others.

I want to do better, and I have some incredible people from all spectrums of the mental health world teaching me how to do better, so I think I am going to be okay. I just want to offer a small dose of gratitude, to those who are staying with me as I learn.

Sending all my love

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl