I live in a world where I have 0 complaints about my life. I am still on outpatient care, but twice now that’s been by my request because my doctor is so new to my case.
I have a great group of friends who are there when I need them and give me space when I don’t. They let me be there for them when they need me, and they let me know when they need space. Our relationships are healthy because we choose for them to be, by showing folks who we are, upfront.
None of my new friends have hidden their past from me. On the contrary, they’ve been quite open about who they are and what they expect, allowing me to set my boundaries accordingly.
I’m not bragging about this beautiful healthy place, but I am shocked that it exists.
These days are cold and wet and a bit depressing, but I am looking forward to spring much more than I can say. I am excited to get out into the world, to design love letters, and to put my name out there again as someone who now knows what they are talking about when it comes to mental health.
This year I want to focus much more on doing research about the stages of mental health journies so that I have a stronger foundation to speak on them. It’s one thing to have experience with mental health issues, it’s quite another to translate that experience into a language that others want to hear or talk about.
I’ve had many people drop off as they’ve watched me struggle, kicking me when I am down and then laughing at me when I come back, and I smile every time and wish them well, but that doesn’t mean that the public scrutiny isn’t a lot to carry.
I know, I know, I put this spotlight on my back so I shouldn’t complain, but by the same token, I have every right to complain when folks try to gaslight me into being anything other than who I am meant to be, you know?
Yes, I’m in a healthy place, but no I do not feel “safe”. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and in waiting for that, I fear that I am manifesting it. So I am trying to fight against my fear that the other shoe may drop, and live as though the other shoe doesn’t matter.
Does that make sense? Good cause it’s all I got.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 