When we’ve been traumatized, we fall into the habit of locking folks out of our lives based on red flags we see as we converse with, and get to know other people.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries, but this holiday season I learned how loved I am. I asked people to come for dinner and come Hell or high water, they showed up to support my mom and me, to love upon us, and to be loved by us.
But locking out everyone in the world is no way to live your life. I’m learning that.
I’m also terrified of the reality of letting people in because I am very conscious that folks have their own desires, plots, and plans, for the people in their life.
Developing our “don’t let folks fuck with us” manners is difficult after trauma, but it isn’t entirely impossible, I’m learning that too.
I had an incident with a neighbor recently and I had to loudly, put them in their place and make it clear I was no longer a safe space for their bullshit. The sucky part is that I really liked this person, the suckier part is the fact that this person that I thought I liked, was masking someone very mean and bitter underneath.
I’ve been that person, but I also know that I can’t be around that person for my own health. Emotionally I feel guilty because it feels mean to exclude someone from my life, but the truth is if they hadn’t wanted to be excluded they wouldn’t have been cruel to me in the first place.
Actions have consequences, and I think we start to forget that after kindergarten school. As children the consequences of bad behavior are immediate, and the life lessons that come from learning to behave appropriately can last a lifetime. But as adults, we don’t often see other adults being punished for their bad behavior. In fact, often we see the exact opposite.
It’s upon us to make sure that we set ourselves up for success by ensuring that we decide how we want to be treated, and that we teach those around us how to treat us, accordingly.
It takes a lot of work but having a conversation with your family, friends, and allies, is the perfect way to start building a corner stone to proper and good, mental health skills in the future.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 