It was so quiet this year. Yes, people were protesting in the streets by the thousands, but mostly it was quiet. No riots, no people screaming in the streets over yet another dead Black person. It was quieter this year than it’s been in years.
And then the world imploded, and Israel went to war with Palestine and it stopped being quiet and now I am just afraid.
I was yesterday years old when I learned I have a neighbor from Gaza and another from Iran. “I never thought you would care,” she said to me after we spent a few minutes crying over the war, and the horrendous way people are being treated.
I have a lot of work to do.
It’s important to me that my neighbors know they matter.
It used to be my job to show people I cared. I fed people, I found them some clothes, sometimes a recovery option or an apartment to live in, but it was always a daily struggle to find a way to show people I cared because everyone had different needs.
Right now my neighbors need support, they need to know I love them, not because they are from Gaza or Iran, or Iraq or Afghanistan or even Israel, but because they exist, and they are kind people, who matter to me.
We keep hearing about how what Hamas did was unacceptable, but we don’t hear about how what Israel is doing is unacceptable. They are using white phosphorous, and people are losing limbs that are being amputated without medicine or anything. People are dying, by the thousands.
I’ve been struggling lately, with writing, with living, and sometimes with breathing. The weight of what is happening around the world is so heavy, it’s not a weight I carry alone, but because I’m the most politically inclined person I know, it’s something I have few people to talk about these issues with.
I struggle with my personal connection to God when I see what is happening in Gaza, because “My Gods” are not okay – I don’t believe – with what is happening in the world. But in the Christian bible, things are going down precisely as promised.
Things feel so hopeless, especially when we continue to learn that our favorite Hollywood people are voting for Israel with every one of their twisted actions.
Israel and Netananyu are spending billions to eradicate the Palestinian people, and the world isn’t – for a change – just standing by quietly, people are fighting back.
From the Indigenous of Yemin who are traveling by foot through Egypt to support the people of Palestine, to the Pirates of South Africa who are stealing embargo ships filled with weapons meant for Gaza by way of Israel, people are fighting back.
To switch it up, this year will be our first Christmas at home in more than thirty years. For the last thirty, we’ve either been at the church or somewhere else, this year we’re actually hosting a holiday dinner, and I am not quite sure how to feel about it.
On one hand, I can’t wait to gather with my friends and family, and on the other hand, there’s a lot of shit we don’t talk about and so I am definitely stressed about the idea of being around so many people, with so many taboo subjects in the air.
Christmas to me was always the worst time of the year. Largely because even though we made a lot of people happy over the years, it hurt to know that at the end of the day we didn’t have as much as it looked like we did. If I am being perfectly honest, this time of the year always makes me really sad.
When I was younger it was a selfish sad because all I wanted was dinner with my chosen friends and family, instead of the entire neighborhood. As an adult, I’m sad because I miss those dinners more than anything in the world.
I miss sitting with strangers and turning them into friends by sharing a meal. I miss seeing volunteers coming for Christmas day and making the decision to come back year after year, months at a time.
As a child, I didn’t stop thinking about wars in other countries because I was too busy fighting the war of poverty in my country. As an adult, the recent events happening in Sudan, the Congo, and Palestine are at the forefront of my mind and all I can think about are my neighbors who won’t be celebrating the holiday, because well they don’t celebrate Christmas.
I write about these things not because I want empathy or sympathy, but because when I put these words out on paper I no longer need to worry about them. So thanks for listening.
I’m looking forward to the holiday dinner, and I am looking forward to decorating our holiday tree, but as I’m sitting with my family, as I am sitting with my friends, my colleagues, allies, friends, fans, readers, and people I love around the world, will be at the forefront of my mind.
I will be thinking about Bisan and MoTaz, I’ll be thinking about Muhammud and Ashley, Nada, Savannah and Roz and Priti, Arturo, and all the people, who matter to me and can’t sit with us around our table this year, will be with me in spirit.
It’s not much, but it’s what I can do. I’ll be lighting a lot of candles this year.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 