Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I am moving forward, even on days when it doesn’t feel like I am moving forward.

I can hear some people in the audience whispering “Lucky, I wish I could too,” I understand how that feels. I’m not sure what “Moving forward” looks like. I’m stuck, in this beautiful place where the only requirements are that I take care of myself and clean up my mess.

I have decided that I don’t really want to go to school right now, I’d rather get a job, so I am going to start looking in January. Last year that was my plan too, and then everything went to shit, quite literally, so I am hoping that 2024 will be different.

I think the reason I am afraid to go to school – and I mean the word “Afraid” seriously, is that I am afraid to start over. I am afraid to sit down in a classroom because traditionally I have always struggled to keep up with the other students.

I know I know, I know all the things that are holding me back, and I also know I am letting them. But I also, also know, that the reason I’m letting them is because I am doing what I want to do, for the first time in my life.

I’m studying for the Selling and Serving it right courses because I want to work in Cannabis and I want to start by saving money to raise enough to take a few programs that will help me get where I want to go.

When I think about my “education,” my Cannabis Education comes first.

I have a few friends working in bud stores and they absolutely love their jobs, I want to be a part of that world. Cannabis has brought so much more to my life than I ever thought – I have a whole new collection of friends to smoke and go on adventures with, and I have a whole new lifestyle that revolves around healthy living.

I eat meals now not junk food. I rarely order mostly we cook which is really quite nice. The other night mom made chicken soup, why? because she could and it was fucking delicious.

This all being said, I have rage inside of me. I am so angry. I trusted people, and they set me on fire, in very literal ways and that still hurts. I’ll never forget that, but I am ready to move on.

This doesn’t mean I am not looking sideways at the men of my past and wishing nothing but bad on them, it just means that I am not going to be focusing on making sure that the bad actually hits them, I no longer care.

I was raped. I was beaten. I was kicked and hit and tortured and raped for decades, I survived all of that and my decision today is that I deserve to be happy, so I am going to be happy. No matter what it costs.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall