Just because I can’t see you, doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re there. In a thousand different ways the people who read this blog have helped me survive some of the most traumatic piles of bullshit, any human should have ever gone through. I’ve been through some shit, and for six and half years you’ve been here.
So I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for listening to me whine, for watching me stress out, for coming to me in the streets, and for sharing with me your own stories of survival and success, so that I know I can make it too.
That all being said, I am moving on blind faith. I am assuming I am going to be successful, I assume that the effort I put into the world will matter to someone.
At least one person, that’s all I really ask for.
Knowing that gives me the strength to keep going, to keep proving to all the Devon’s out there, that it really does get better in the future, that the hard times don’t last.
I was just having a conversation with one of my rapists’ ex girlfriends. A month ago that would have been impossible because I couldn’t even look at her, now I can be civil, that’s growth. It’s not her fault he’s a piece of shit, but she is still a trigger because I worry that she’ll bring him around.
That’s not something I can control, so I keep my distance from her just in case, because I know how relationships can flow and ebb.
I am not afraid all the time anymore, that’s also growth. I disassociate more now, but I think that’s because I feel safe and comfortable and I know when I reengage in my present state I will continue to be safe.
Things I couldn’t control before I can control now, and things I can’t control now, are things I am more comfortable with not having to control.
Like for instance, I clean every day, but I refuse to start before 11 a.m. The writing has to come first. But that’s not the only reason, part of it is that I want to give myself time to wake up.
I like having time to engage with my neighbors and friends, and to check emails and do the “work” stuff I want to do, to get this brand off the ground. But I also like knowing that no matter what, every day is a day to clean. It gives me a sense of pride to look around my home and know I’ve done the work to keep it a safe space.
I’m changing, I am growing, but I am still blogging on the belief that you are still watching, reading, and growing along with me. I’m proud of you. In case someone hasn’t said that recently, I’m fucking proud of you.
If you’re reading this you are still here, which means you’re still going, you’re still growing. You aren’t giving up. Congratulations baby, keep it up.
We got this.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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If you’d like to read more of Devon’s work, check them out in the following publications.
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 
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