Who do you have that you can talk to, that give you good advice and show you the ropes when you are struggling on days when the world feels like shit? Because MY doctor and psych nurse team are about to change, and I am very worried. I have concerns, I have questions, but I made this decision.
I decided. One month from in or around now, I’ll have a new medical team, because I’m living in a different zone than I was before. So now everything’s going to change. I have no idea who these people are going to be or what they’re going to know or think about me, and I am genuinely afraid.
I am concerned that I’ll have to tell my story all over again, to more people who won’t understand or won’t believe me. Lord let it be someone who believes me because I can’t handle having yet another doctor convinced I’m lying because of racial or behavioral bias.
The supports I’ve had in the past won’t be available to me and that’s scary, and having new people in my life isn’t as reassuring as people might think.
Yes, they may approach my health care differently, and that could be bad or good, so yes scary.
In other news we’re fully moved into our apartment or mom is. I haven’t unpacked a single thing, mostly because I think I’m not ready. All my stuff holds memories and I’m scared to open the boxes and see what I find. I’m afraid to deal.
I never thought I’d consider myself as someone who is afraid of anything after everything I’ve been through, but here I am, absolutely petrified of losing myself in all the memories.
Yesterday I got a call from the cops. Remember those journals I wrote everything down in that they took from me awhile back? Well apparently after all these years they are finally done with them and ready to return them. They probably want to gauge whether or not I still want to press charges.
I do. I remember more now than I did before, I remember the adult men who raped me as a child, and who raped me again the last time, and yes I want prison time for all of them, but that’s not likely to happen.
Vindication isn’t meant to be mine and I am trying to accept that. Any advice? I’d love some comments to tell me how to handle all of this, more than “you got this Devon,’ I am so tired of everyone just assuming I can handle anything. Yes I have a badass title, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle too, you know?
Alright internet world, that’s enough complaining. Heres to my brand new apartment and all the good things coming my way. Right?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
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Loud Mouth Brown Girl 
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