In all my years of writing on this site, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped to thank genuinely the volume of people who have come by to visit, share comments and thoughts, or just to see what I am up to.
So I thought today I would. First off, I want to showcase all the beautiful places you amazing people come from. Without being able to list them all myself, I’ve asked WordPress to help me out with some handy infographics. Also, I am super lazy.
As you can see from the graphics above, most of my viewers come from either America or Ontario, which is both impressive and concerning. I have friends, family members, allies, fans, and loved ones in all these really cool places, and honestly, the only part that sucks is that I may never get to visit these places.
I love that my work – such as it is – has made it across the world. It tells me that for whatever variety of reasons, people on this planet believe that I have worth, that my work is worth their time. I wish they paid me accordingly.
“The Voice of a Black Woman Should Always Be HERSELF …No edits – No erasure – No pressure – No expectations – No Additions – No intruders”― Malebo Sephodi
For most of my life, I was taught to “Tone it down,” I was policed, reminded, repremanded for trying to figure out how to navigate a world that clearly didn’t want me.
For the first time in my life, I built something for girls like me, to have a space to speak out, to yell, scream and be wild. The way that we were born to be. I do not believe that Black girls are meant to be seen and not heard, and preferably not seen either. I do not believe we were meant to be born to remain small and insignificant.
I believe that women of colour were put here to add wildness to the world. To protect it from harm, and to teach the world how to love, but I also don’t believe that we need to be “bringers of light” into a world that would rather live in darkness. Although I will say Black girls in particular love to put themselves in danger to make a point, the truth is we shouldn’t fucking have to.
When I started this site, it had to be all about me, because I felt I needed to explain to the world why I was so angry. I needed to explain, release, and let go so that I could start building.
I tried building a Facebook group about marketing for Black girls, but then I quickly realized I don’t give a flying fuck about marketing. What I care about is meeting other women of all different races, who have experienced the trauma of being abused by many men.
I struggle to congratulate myself, when congratulations are due. I think this is mainly because I still have that very white grandfatherly voice in my head that tells me my success will erase his racism and make his ill treatment of me worth it.
I think I resent the idea that any success I might have will belong to him in some small way, and so today for the first day in my life, I am going to congratulate myself. I’ve seen and done some pretty weird shit in the last eight years, in order to heal. But in doing so I started a community of people who see that mental health for Black and Biracial people is differently treated than it is for white people.
Very rarely do white folks see our experiences as experiences of people being racist. That’s because they deliberately teach themselves that what we see as racism is really just weakness. I know this because I will never forget being told that Jason and all his stupid friends making racist jokes “wasn’t really racism, it was just rude.”
By white teachers who had absolutely no concept of what it means to be a Black and Biracial kid in an all white Roman Catholic School.
It’s ironic to me that white people have completely taken over the church from the Romans, to the point that the current Pope is an American.
At this point it’s safe to say America has colonized the entire world, including but not limited to the science of Mental Health.
The thing that I gather from the views I get on this site, though, is that Mental Health Science affects everyone in the world. It really doesn’t give a fuck about your race, creed, nationality, size, or orientation; our brains are only capable of handling so much.
Eventually, we evolve or we break. Like my current favourite artist In.Iko, I have evolved over these last years.
I would never today allow the behaviour of yesterday. I use my voice first always, but if that doesn’t work, I’ll absolutely use whatever weapon is handy to protect myself and those I love.
I’m not the same person I was eight years ago. Eight and nine years ago, I was literally emotionally and mentally shattered by the revelations that my brain had been hiding from me for decades. All the years of drugs, hypnotism, abuse, trauma, it all came rushing back all at once, and yeah, I rightfully ‘Lost my shit.’
There are things in this universe I’ll only ever be able to explain if I ever sit down and write that screen play, but until then, what I can say is this: You have earned your pain. So use it.
It sucks knowing the world has spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to destroy your spirit, and it hurts to know that our parents, guardians, and loved ones are not the people we think we need to be. I’ve been disappointed so many times that it actually makes me sick, but I keep going because what the fuck else am I going to do?
In the last eight years I discovered talents I didn’t know I had, I danced, I sang, screamed, met weird ass hell people, and found myself in a dozen different stories inside my head that are helping me heal the inner child who deserved so much better.
I know now that what children deserve is to be told they should be wild. They don’t need drugs to calm their inner self, they need the world to calm it’s tits and be more patient. Maybe some kids do need meds, but they also need acceptance, understanding and relaxation on the rules.
I Let the World Water Down My Fire Because It Was The Survivor Inside Me That Said, “One Day…” Well, One Day Is Here, And I was Right…I Did Write Books, I Did Create, I Did Save Lives. I Did Everything I Knew I Could. I Won. – Devon J Hall – Inner Child
I see too many kids today who are struggling, not because their parents aren’t trying, but because the kids have a choice about things they don’t understand. Many youth today think “Freedom” equals being able to do whatever the fuck you want, regardless of the consequences.
Many kids today are just trying to fit in – just like we were when we were young. Many of them are looking for direction, for something or someone to inspire them, but instead, all they see are adults fighting over a world that most adults don’t even want to be a part of to begin with.
I know that I am not the picture of success that my grandfather wanted me to be. He had big plans, fully invested in the idea I would marry a celebrity and break the family curse of poverty that he put us all into.
The ironic thing is that unlike the family members I am genetically connected to, I don’t want to be like him. He played games with people’s hearts, he was rude to my mom when she was growing up, and honestly, he wasn’t a very nice person.
I don’t like where I come from and I can’t change that, but what I do know is that as awful as my grandfather was to me behind closed doors, he was a good person. Not a nice person, but a good person. He believed in fighting against the nazis and he did so, going to his grave with flashbacks.
I know my great-grandfather and grandmother both fought against the Nazi occupation, and my great-great-grandfather was a prisoner of war, from what I’ve been told. He and they were all English.
I don’t have half as much information about the Black people in my family, though I am starting to put peices to the puzzle that make sense. All because I started sharing my story and explaining to the world who I am.
That’s what this blog has done for me. And if I’m being honest, it’s because of you, amazing, beautiful readers, that I am still here. So wherever you are, whatever you’re here for, I hope you found something that reminds you that you deserve better than what the world has “Decided” for you.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 
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