Loud Mouth Brown Girl

Whether you want to or not, I think I need to return to doing mirror work. Not just to make myself feel good about myself, that’s well I think that’s step one.

There are all kinds of things you can use mirror work for, one of them is self reflection. Looking inward is difficult because not often do we like what we see. I learned today that when I call out someone for being racist, I don’t necessarily like being argued with.

If I, as a Black presenting person say “This person is racist in my experience,” please don’t argue with me, just believe me because I shouldn’t have to fight people who claim to be allies, but really aren’t.

I need accomplices in my corner, I’ve decided that recently. I need people willing to say “Hey wait a minute, instead of defending the racist automatically, maybe you might hear them out.” Or alternatively, someone willing to punch a nazi if my life depends on it.

This isn’t radical. It’s not wild for me to say “I need a protector,” it’s just new. I’ve never said it before because I’ve never believed that I deserve to have a soft life. But the thing is, I don’t need a “Soft life,” I need “Softness in my life.” There’s a huge difference.

I need to be a part of the change that I want to see, and more importantly than what I need, I want and deserve to see the communities I am trying to learn to work with, grow. I deserve to see the hard work I’ve put into the world actually mean something.

None of the work I did at the church matters now that my presence has been removed from every corner of the building, most people forget that I was even there, and those that remember pretend that I never existed.

I know that my life is precious, but I also didn’t really know that until recently. I sat here for weeks now really thinking about the fact that grown ass men took on a child, and tried to mould her into a sex doll, before trying to murder her before anyone could find out.

And I survived that shit.

Ooops. I don’t think that was supposed to happen if I am being honest with you, but I did that, and I still struggle to look myself in the mirror. It’s not even that it’s because I don’t feel beautiful, it’s because I don’t love what I see.

I wasn’t taught to love what I see in the mirror, I wasn’t even taught to appreciate what I see in the mirror. I don’t fully know how to look myself in the mirror and not think something negative, and that’s a huge struggle for so many of us.

Body and image dysmorphia is definitely real. I didn’t need to live with it to have confirmation, but the more that I look in the mirror, the harder it is to see the negatives because I start to see the survivor I am instead of the victim I was.

It’s hard to explain to other people – specifically white women with all the privilege in the world – “This is racist,” because often their number one go-to, is to defend, deflect, and often lie their way out of trouble. If none of that works, then come the tears, the yelling, and the throwing of arms and legs as they completely lose control.

We’ve seen it a thousand times, and I’ve learned that these kinds of people are just people I don’t need in my life. I no longer look at “The most beautiful women in the world” and think “Damn I wish I was her,” because I have no idea what her problems are.

I love my friends with my entire heart, but I don’t want their problems. I have problems of my own that I have to navigate. Doing internal mirror work has allowed me to remove most jealousy from my heart. Of course there are things sometimes I see that I wish I had, but I also know if I really wanted that, I could just go and work for it until I get it.

Internal mirror work isn’t just about “Making you a better person,” it’s about being a better, happier, version of yourself. You can do all the working out, losing weight, and doing your hair and makeup you want, but if you’re still toxic at the end of the day, none of the other stuff is going to matter.

I am a toxic human being. I fully admit this. I have toxic trauma traits that I am trying to learn to break, but I think before I can I need CBT training. Because I have no idea how to break these bad habits on my own. I’m learning, but it’s a slow and often exhausting process.

I try hard to meet people where they are at, but I find that some people are like water to my fiery oil.

I’m not a strong person. I’m a person who has experienced a lot of unfair shit, and because of that I have built physical and emotional muscles that I use to build a barrier around me so that I never have to go through that unfair shit again.

“Mirror work allows me to check in with myself. To say “Hey D, how are you doing today?”

In my second book “Uncomfortable II: Fundamental Foundations for Mental Health Content Creators,” I write quite a bit about talking to yourself out loud so you can get comfortable with the sound of your own voice. But not just to entertain others, specifically so you can become comfortable with the sound of YOUR voice.

It’s important that we hear our own voices. That we use them in all their beautiful ranges so that we can understand what the inner most part of our hearts feels and needs. If that makes sense to you, we may be on a similar healing journey.

One of the things that mirror work forces you to do is to be honest. You can lie to the whole wide world all you want, but when it’s time to look yourself in the mirror everything changes. Every lie you told is right there written all over your face, and that’s not easy for some of us to live with.

Too many of us hide our emotions, and how we’re feeling by putting on a mask to the rest of the world. The cool thing about my current friend group is that there is very little pressure. If we don’t talk every single day it’s okay, if we do hang out that’s cool too.

Being around people who take the pressure off of you when they are around, means you can relax a little more when you’re alone. I know what my friends say behind my back because they tell me to my face. I know what I say about my friends and they know because they read my work.

Mirror work has brought me a closer, deeper relationship to those around me by helping me to remain accountable. I still need external validation, but I won’t die without it. At least not for now.

Until next time,

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl