Something happened to me, and I was changed to my fucking core.
It has not just fundamentally changed, but it has changed down to my DNA.
I woke up to the realization that the reason I behaved the way that I did towards people – specifically men – is because I spent years being sold as a sex doll, by men who knew better.
And when I said years I meant my childhood years.
It was like a light switch went off in my brain, and there was and is, no going back to who I was before this happened.
I experienced a death. The death was of me. The person I was before I knew what they had done to me – before the fog lifted and the memories came back – no longer exists in this vessel. She’s out there floating somewhere, trying to figure out what the fuck she did wrong to deserve never having a childhood.
My mom was a single mom. And as such she was surrounded by predators, or people she thought she could trust. From Kim’s boyfriend Shane who molested me when Kim walked my mom the 2 blocks home, to the vice principal at Saint James, I have had the gambit of abusers.
Let’s not forget the gym teacher, the science teacher, the math teacher ignoring that I was raped, as well as the Principal who told the cops it never happened.
Then there were the doctors, bankers, lawyers, cops, and other men who raped me, who pretended on the streets that I didn’t exist but have no problem calling me a rat today because it validates that I *might* be lying and they might be telling the truth.
Yesterday I was called a pedophile by a Zionist. It didn’t even fucking phase me. Okay, prove it bitch, because I used to help run a day camp and I got hundreds of kids who will say otherwise.
What pissed me off is that they claim to support women, they claim to protect women, they claim to love women, and then they attack LBGTQ2S+NB folks because we don’t fit into their idea of what a woman should look like.
I am fully aware that I present as a female human. I am also keenly aware that I don’t fucking want to. I am Non-binary. I have chosen the designation that states I am neither a woman nor a man and yet I am both, because that is where “I” feel most comfortable.
But Zionism isn’t about being comfortable, it’s about being ruthless.
Zionism is about hurting as many people as possible, as effectively and violently as possible. I didn’t know that until October 8th, 2023, when they decided to start shooting at their own people with F22’S.
I grew up with Canadian soldiers teaching in our classrooms, they promised that they could be trusted and that they only went as Peace Keepers, they drilled it into our heads that they never killed people.
They Lied.
Turns out they do all kinds of killing, and all kinds of murdering, and all kinds of ending of lives, and then when you call them on it they call you names.
I’ve been called
- Whore
- Slut
- Ni**er
- Bitch
- Cunt
- Pedophile
- Rapist
All because I refuse to bow to white supremacy and Zionism, all because unlike the many folks I am governed by, I do not suck at the teats of Zionism for my own pleasure, enjoyment, or employment.
There’s a song called “Tradition” From Fiddler on the Roof, one of my favorite of all time plays.
But the song tells us that the only way to live is through tradition – we don’t do things because they are safe, or right, or just, we do them because they are tradition.
And this is a habit that humans have always had. They think that because we’ve always done it a certain way, that’s the way it must always be. But humans forget, WE WERE FUCKING LIED TO.
People forget about “The Dark Times,” when the Christians burned churches, mosques, and other places of religious safety, while also burning books in the millions and saying it was for “your own good.”
Seven years ago I told a bunch of people we would be going to war, and they all laughed at me. “Not gonna happen, we’re in the time of peace we do things differently now”
AND HERE THE FUCK WE ARE.
We went to war, and the world didn’t even notice. Last night there was an attack on Jabalia, I believe hundreds died, and many more are so shocked they can’t even access the internet to talk about what happened.
Many of the folks I follow are consistently posting “I am still alive” posts just to let us know they made it through the night, but every single day that number decreases.
I don’t even get the chance to say goodbye to my friends in Gaza because they are murdered before they get the chance to say goodbye.
Whole families, generations of families completely wiped out, and you want me to act like it’s just Another Thursday?!
How?
On top of the overwhelming amount of genocide happening in Sudan, Congo, The DRC, Haiti, Palestine, and other places in the world, I’ve lost three close personal friends and honestly, I can’t write about that yet. I’m not ready.
All this to say that if you’re hurting today, I fucking see you.
Not all of us are focusing on the west’s war on the world, but we should be? Some of us don’t have the capacity to focus on what’s happening in Palestine and honestly? I actually get it.
I have friends I don’t talk about it with because it breaks them every time, tears, snot, the whole bit, they have kids, they have excuses, they have reasons, and I Need one space where I don’t have to talk about it. Where I can escape from it.
I also have friends I do nothing but talk about it with, purely because they’ve stuck around and been here for me in ways others haven’t or can’t.
But if you’re not talking about it publicly if you don’t have a platform or the capacity I actually get it. It’s a lot, it’s overwhelming, but we’re not alone.
We are together, around the globe, using our platforms, discussing how to help, organizing, and raising funds, we’re a team, even if we used to hate each other because the greater good demands that we use our collective efforts for those who need us right now.
I feel like I was raised in a time when we were told “Everything is calm and perfect and quiet,” only to be completely unprepared for the reality that we’re actually living in.
I didn’t know before October 7th that the Middle East was a colonial project, I just knew it was a torturous place to be, and that many folks who went there often didn’t come back the same, if at all.
I’ve learned since then the cost of war. It’s not just arms and legs, it’s not just brain spatter on the streets. It’s entire families decimated, entire societies in ruin, and countries at odds with each other to the point that the Nuclear option has been discussed, repeatedly, in the press.
I live in one of the most privileged projects in the world. I have a roof over my head, the threat of war isn’t ever looming on the horizon for myself or anyone I love, and yet I know that outside my bubble the world is filled with chaos.
I also know that if I don’t say something about what is happening, I’ll never be able to look at myself in the mirror and have the kind of respect for myself, that I am asking you to have for me.
I want to be the kind of person who is seen as someone who knows what they are talking about, and I want my efforts to help the folks who feel as if the entire world is ignoring them, specifically because for decades that’s precisely how I felt.
I felt alone, I was getting raped every day by white supremacists, ignored by a mother who didn’t know what was happening, and bullied at school by kids who knew exactly what was happening. I know the fucking feeling of being surrounded by Zionists because I am a survivor of rape by cults, gangs, white supremacists, and yes even Zionists.
I give exactly zero fucks, about whether or not you believe me because I know that the police report back up everything I’ve written on this website. But the one thing I will not stand for, is you saying that I do not have the best interest of my community at heart, when my entire life, has been about putting the community before myself.
I’ve been a janitor, a program director, a volunteer coordinator, and a person who helps folks get into recovery. I did that shit, and even though it feels like another lifetime, or another person some days, it was still me that accomplished that.
I have worked hard to get where I am today – and for you that might not look like I am any place special, but for the first time in my life, I have autonomy over my body, mind, and soul, and it feels fucking fantastic.
I’ve known for a long time this is where I would end up, and while it’s not exactly what I thought it would be, it’s pretty damned close. That being said, when I say that From The River To The Sea, Palestine Shall Be Free, that’s exactly what I mean.
Maybe in my lifetime, maybe in the next, but one day or another, the land of Jesus, will be free, and I know this because I see the result of Netanyahu’s behavior on the world stage.
The “People” of the world who have the power to effect change are right here, reading this. You have the power to change the world. Donate to a fundraiser, platform a family fundraiser, join the movement of the #DisabilityTwitter community, and follow the lead of leaders like #ForTinu.
Share your stories and tell the world that you exist and remember that you have a right to exist, regardless of what Zionism and White Supremacy say.
There are things that ordinary citizens can do, that will change the life of Black, Brown, Indigenous and otherwise marginalized community members.
It’s a matter of taking stock of your skills and finding out where best to plug the holes that you see in the movements you want to join.
It’s not a matter of taking over the movement and centering yourself, it’s about living for the community, and being a part of the stones that make up the entire bridge.
It’s not easy work, and it’s often uncomfortable and unrewarded, but then that depends on what you consider a “reward.” Sometimes just hearing “Thank you” is more than enough.
Seven years ago I warned many people who mattered to me, that we as a globe were going to war. They didn’t listen and now here we are. Yeah, I fucking told you so Chris.
Sending all my, whatever
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 