I am a reformed anti-Roman Catholic, non-binary, female-presenting, disabled, mental health, cannabis, and disability, advocate, from British Columbia Canada.
It took me exactly 40 years, 11 months, and 27 days ago, which is 14,972 days.
I asked Google. Because I think it’s important to celebrate this birthday. This is the day that CP said he’d always come back and kill me, but he’s not going to get that chance, because I am surrounded by love and protection, and more importantly, because I’m not a fucking child anymore.
My adult abusers do not scare me the way they did when I was a child. Once you’ve been through as much horrible shit as I’ve been through, you stop being afraid. I used to be terrified of haunted houses until I went into one last year and didn’t find a single thing to be afraid of, not even the jump stuff.
I am not an overly “afraid” person, but of this birthday I am terrified, not of my death, pfft, I’ve been there and faced that. No, I am afraid of what will happen if I live.
I am afraid of what will be expected of me because up until now no one has expected anything of me. I’ve always just done “the next right thing,” but if I live, if he decides not to come for me, if my birthday passes without incident, then what the fuck am I supposed to do?
These are the kind of thoughts that keep folks like me back. These are the kinds of experiences that prevent people from living their lives, from moving forward from the abuse, the fear that they will come back can be all-encompassing, and “letting it” isn’t a fucking choice.
If you’re afraid, you’re afraid, and the only thing you can do is work through it.
- ask yourself why you’re afraid
- create a safety plan so you’ll feel less afraid
- Make sure you let your friends, family, and allies in on your safety plan
- Remind yourself every single day that was, is not what is.
It’s a hard fucking thing to do because you could have every single thing in your life planned and organized and some fuckhead is still going to find a way to break through your security, not because they’re smarter, but because you’re so hyper-focused on one thing, you tend to miss other things.
I am working on all of these things, and I think I finally have a team behind me that not only wants to see me succeed but also wants to be a part of helping me get there.
I am a strong-willed and wild person, but I am also studious, and I am concerned about the world around me.
As I move through this new phase in my life I am starting to realize that I can still be the kind of person who can be someone’s friend, but I also need space to be left the fuck alone.
I am setting boundaries that I’ve never set before and I am no longer interested in impressing the people around me. I am myself, or part of myself and it feels really good to say “Yeah I think I am going to stay home tonight,” instead of going out to get drunk with folks I don’t really like, just so I am not alone.
I no longer fear my own company or what it means that I am alone. I no longer worry that folks are going to think I am crazy or insane because I’d rather be single and happy than in a relationship I don’t want with kids that are driving me crazy every day.
I’m not saying I’ll never want those things, but right now I am not changing who I am just to attract a journey that I am not super passionate about.
I’m free of the idea that I have to be a victim for the rest of my life just because a bunch of really gross men decided that was how things were going to be.
I am making changes in my life that are helping to push me forward, and I am asking those around me to keep me accountable so that I don’t become complicit and slide backward.
I am healthier, but not yet healthy…that’s who I am. So who the fuck are you?
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 