No, you probably haven’t decided what you’re going to do next, because probably you’re just discovering what it means to have mental health issues. It took me years of explaining my mental health issues for me to stop and ask myself, to emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually, take stock of what I need.
I’ve never been particularly great with compartmentalization, I find that trying to mentally put things into boxes without having a physical component to represent those mental things, then I can’t fully conceptualize them the way I need to, so I can deal with them and move on.
I need a physical representation of my emotional trauma, for a long time because I was working, tattoos helped, until you know, my tattoo decided making bad decisions was a better choice than protecting his clients.
That betrayal really harmed my relationship with tattoo artists and made it difficult for me to walk into just any shop and trust any random man, with my body.
Theraphy, of any kind, is sacred. And when you invite other people into your sacred spaces you are trusting that they will see that space as sacred as you do. Too often in my life folks have taken advantage and what I didn’t see at first, became an even harsher betrayal once realized later.
When your trust has been broken as much as mine has, it’s difficult to make long-lasting relationships with folks that will help push you forward, because you’re constantly looking for the other shoe to drop.
I’m not going to say stop being aware that the other shoe might fall, because I am constantly looking for the other shoe.
But I will say if you focus all your time on looking for something bad to happen, something bad is going to happen, just so you can say “I told you so,” it won’t make you feel great, and you’ll have missed out on all the good things happening around you.
The next step in your mental health journey can’t be one I divine for you, it has to be something that makes sense to your heart and soul.
For me, when I started writing, I also started trying other creative outlets. Painting, drawing, dancing, and singing, were some of my favorites but they weren’t pursued to show other people, they were done in private, just for me.
My meditative paintings are between me, God, and the people I’ve taught to read my paintings, and that list is as short as Hell.
Next came smoking weed, which was something I did every day for years, I still do it, but now I also take walks when I smoke.
There’s an added layer of meditation that happens when you spend time in nature, when you remove yourself from people, places, and things, that are holding you back.
The next step that makes sense for me is physical activity. That’s why I am hosting Survivor’s Connection in Port Coquitlam this year. I want women across BC to know that physical activity is healthy and healing, but also protective, and could save your life.
I begged for self-defense and kickboxing classes when I was a kid, and I didn’t get it, that might have changed the trajectory of my life if I had.
Providing for other people is my love language, and opening up my next stage of mental health keeps me accountable to the folks – especially the women – who want to come with me, and see what life looks like on my end of the spectrum.
It’s not perfect, it’s not better than yours, it’s just different than what you may know or be comfortable with, but it’s just as beautiful as what anyone else has and I love it.
I love my life today. But it took a lot of tumultuous decades of drama, pain, and a ton of suffering, to get here. I am not convinced that’s how it should be for folks.
It’s my one and only goal to make it easier for the they/them she/her’s that come after me because no one bothered trying to make it easier for me. Specifically.
I want the world to pay attention to folks like me because no one ever does. Kids like me are the ones who don’t slide through the cracks in the system, they are deliberately shoved into the cracks and told to get over it.
We’re told that we don’t matter, and so when we’re busy trying to get out of the system that we’ve been thrown into, we get stuck not knowing what the next step is when we come out.
While I’m here, I crawled out of the cracks and while life is still messy and unplugged, it’s also wonderful, exciting, and filled with new. I deserve this, and so do you.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
Loud Mouth Brown Girl 