Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I am not a historian. So I can’t tell you precisely what it was that stopped the last world war or whether or not I think that pulling out of Afghanistan after twenty fucking years was a huge mistake, but what I can say is that war is fucking stupid.

It sucks the life out of everything on this planet, and going to war isn’t going to make our planet more safer. You’ll never convince me that the Arab nations of this world don’t have a genuine reason to hate the West.

Not after everything I’ve learned in the last 110 days.

When I first met a certain Palestinian author I had no clue what the Arab world was like, beyond the fact that it constantly seemed to be at war, I had no reason to pay attention to what was happening in the world outside my bubble.

To be fair I had a lot going on. I mean I was houseless for three months, that took a lot out of me, and yet I still can’t help but think, I’ve still had time to catch up.

By now you all know I grew up next to what used to be CFB Calgary, filled with soldiers and soldiers’ families. I drank the Kool-aid, believed the propaganda, and was convinced our soldiers were the good guys.

But today I learned that Joe Biden is planning to send hundreds of soldiers from America to the Arab world to attack Yemin and eventually, Gaza.

How are more of us not losing our shit right now?

My heart is broken not just for my friends, but for my own self. For the naive part of me, that believed we really were the good guys. “I know that I’ve done a lot of shit in my life, but at least I’ve never committed genocide,” is a hell of a legacy to leave.

Joe Biden is willingly supporting Netanyahu and so is Trudeu and here I am thinking I’m nuts because I really believed that we would always be the country that supported the little guy.

I’m tired of realizing that there is little someone like I can do, and at the same time, I am trying to build community around the idea that there is tons of shit someone like me can do.

I am excited to host the first-ever Survivor’s Connection in person, precisely because I think many of us who believe in the right for return, in the right of Palestinians to be able to return home and live safely, need a fucking break.

That isn’t to say I’m giving up, it’s precisely because I remember that in Africa when the enemy came, the night before the battle the ancestors danced. They did it to scare their oppressors, and they used that good energy to carry them through their battles.

Taking a moment to gather, to spend time with like-minded folks, with women who have struggled, suffered, and been traumatized by the world, is healing. It’s a powerful way to connect to others who may not be on the same journey, but who are at the same intersection as you, and it’s needed.

I need this. I need to gather with women and laugh, cry, learn to kick some ass, and to feel good about myself for a moment without feeling guilty that all around me outside the bubble of protection in District 12, Hell is reigning down on the most innocent among us.

Dancing is just one way that we release the darkness that we’re holding onto. Sometimes it’s just curling up and watching our favorite trash television, doing our nails, connecting with friends, isolating ourselves. There are a lot of paths to positive mental health moments, but the one thing that I’ve learned I need the most is other people.

Not because I need them to tell me how great I am or because I feel alone, but because I need other people to teach me what I don’t or didn’t know until I met them, and I want to meet as many people as I can on my journey.

I want to learn from all of you. That’s precisely why I started my Facebook group for women of color. I wanted a place we could gather and talk about the business of building brands together, so that we’re not alone.

I can’t go to protests because of my anxiety – and yeah that may seem like nothing to you – but I’ve had enough public panic attacks that I try to avoid large crowds. So Instead I can gather in small groups with my friends and social circle, to find people that I can lean on when I need to rant about what’s happening in the world.

I’m blessed enough to have that, but it didn’t happen overnight. It came at a lot of loss and a large cost to my heart and mind. I’ll never be “free” or safe, in the future I’ll always wonder if my abusers are out there hurting other people the way they hurt me. Because the cops didn’t believe me and they didn’t go to jail, there’s every chance they are still out there hurting girls.

I think about that every single day, and I can’t fight that fear. I don’t know what to do with it. So that’s why Survivor’s Connection this year is going to be a self-defense class taught by a registered instructor. I can’t wait to show you all the pictures and videos.

I am very excited about this and I hope that as many of you as possible will consider joining us.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall,