Loud Mouth Brown Girl

I can’t tell you the last time I gently and willingly allowed people into my home, without freaking out that it’s such a huge mess they’re going to have me dragged away.

I mean yes we cleaned this morning and took out the garbage and stuff, but the point is, that the house was already mostly clean anyway, besides some tidying up that needed to be done, which tells me I am in a much healthier place than I’ve ever been in before.

It’s such a strange place because I often feel like I don’t deserve all these good things happening to me.

Thankfully I have really amazing friends who remind me that life isn’t about how much shit you can experience, and survive. it’s about really and genuinely living your authentic life, without worrying about everything that holds you back.

Yesterday my new bed arrived, and it’s absolutely perfect. Today I shall celebrate by buying myself a brand new set of sheets because every new bed deserves new sheets. I am thinking I’d like to go with a nice cool green, but maybe a bright pink is precisely what I need.

Whatever I end up with, this new place, these new friends, the new experiences, all of it is about learning to live life differently than I ever have before, and I am not going to lie, it’s scary on the “healthier” side of the spectrum.

It’s not like I’m completely healed and ready to move to the next step, but I am taking steps towards being there.

And I am fully aware that in the future at some point, something might happen to send me backward, but I am more confident than ever before, that I am going to be okay.

I am one in a million Black, mixed-race women, who think that their voices go unheard, but in those millions of women, I am also one in a few, who is actually being heard, around the world.

I have friends, fans, followers, readers, buyers, and associates, all over the world, I am a very blessed and privileged person, and I am trying my damndest, not to take that privilege for granted.

I know that I might struggle in the future, but I also know that the universe is on my side. I have a new apartment, a new bed, new friends, and a whole new life, is shit perfect now? Of course not, but the truth is that life is never going to be perfect.

All I can control is what I can control, and in harnessing that power, I am finding that I have the abilities I always had, they’re just a little rusty.

For instance, I’ve come up with a new idea that I am going to spend the next several months researching, and when I’m ready to launch it I think y’all will be really proud of me.

I am excited about my future again, and I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. Things are going to be okay, because I am doing the work I need to do, to keep moving forward, and I am changing who I used to be, so I can become who I’m meant to be.

Does any of this make sense to you? Let me know I’m really not crazy in the comments, k?

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl